Physical warm-up can help heat things up again

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to be passionately in love with my wife. She wasn’t particularly loving or affectionate, but I hadn’t experienced anything better. I just thought that’s what all marriages turned out to be anyway — just warm, not hot.

Recently, this beautiful woman was hired in my department at work. Her desk is close enough I can sometimes overhear her talking to her longtime husband on the phone. Sometimes, they talk about the sex from the night before. She’s saying things like, “How was that position for you?” and “Let’s do that one again,” like they were working through a list.

I started to realize how exciting and fun a long marriage could be. By comparison, I have a lousy sexual relationship with my wife, and it’s a relatively young marriage. So, I tried to put some pressure on my wife, and she told me to get a life.

By that, she must mean to try harder to just enjoy the boring love life I already have with her.

So, how can I get what my new female workmate seems to have in her sex life and still keep my wife and family? It would be wrong for me to ask my workmate about my own sex problems.

— Starved for Excitement, St. James

Dear Starved: The “we need to have more and better sex” approach puts too much pressure on a couple, and it makes sex feel like work or an assignment to be graded.

What you need is a natural transfer of hot energy from one activity into a sexual one. Nothing you’re already doing at home is creating that.

Taking part in some fun physical activity or a sport can get your blood pumping and sweat glistening.

You might also get a sexual energy boost out of taking Latin dance lessons together. You might practise the dances in private at home with the lights down low, romantic music on and your bedroom beckoning. Then you could let the music carry you away.

Also, if you have kids who eat lunch at school, you might sneak home to meet your partner for a “nooner” one day a week. Feeling sneaky is highly undervalued as a turn-on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hurt myself trying out a hot new sex move with my partner. I tried to tell my chiropractor about it, and I could tell he was trying not to laugh. His mouth kept twitching.

Then I asked him if it would help my husband and me to have a stiff drink before having sex to loosen up my back.

He broke out laughing and said, “No comment.”

The trouble is, I’m at my wits’ end with my husband because he says we’ve been married so long, nothing is a surprise anymore and our sex life has become one great big yawn.

I wasn’t even mad. Believe me, I know how he feels. How can we get some excitement back? I miss the great sex we used to have before the kids came along. They’re half-grown now.

— Bored Stiff, St. Norbert

Dear Bored: You need some noise-masking music, so you can have adult playtime without waking up and upsetting the kids. Get the kids used to the sound of your evening music played at a reasonable volume. Build up the amount of time you play it, so it becomes an expected happy background sound.

Just don’t crank the tunes up too loud, just in case the kids need help with something important from their parents.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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