Dream of big brood may wane after first go round

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a physical guy and work with a building company. My wife is a schoolteacher and I admire her for that. But now I’m getting worried, as my wife has just found out she’s pregnant and she’s acting weird. She just told me she wants a bunch of kids, and a few of her distant relatives have had multiple births. One child is enough for me.

Now, between sessions of throwing up in the bathroom and acting like a crazy woman, she says she wants to be able to stay home to raise our kids. OK, that’s going too far. I’m totally weirded out. I never thought she would give up her beloved teaching profession so early in her career.

Is she losing it? We can’t afford for her to stay home for long.

— Freaking Out, Westwood

Dear Freaking Out: Some women, when pregnant with their first child, start voicing all kinds of dreams about having a big family with the one they love. It may be tempting to bring your wife down to earth, but don’t. Let her enjoy the fun of dreaming and help her get through the ups and downs of her first pregnancy.

She’ll love you for getting on board the train to kiddie-raising and sharing her enthusiasm. But know this: lots of moms who go through birthing and early childhood the first time stop being quite so enthusiastic about raising a big family, so you can exhale now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 27 and my separated-again mother of 55 says she is finally divorcing my father, and for who knows what reason this time. He and I have never been close.

I asked her why she didn’t want to live with her newest boyfriend, and she went pale. I’ve only met him once and I noticed he had a light-coloured indentation where a wedding ring would be. I figure the guy must still be married. My mom has a lot of inherited family money and flaunts it, which makes her attractive to a certain type of man.

She says she’ll tell me more about her new guy when I can be more mature. I shocked myself then by telling her where to go and she took big offence.

My family is crazy, but I still I can’t afford to lose my mother, even if she’s being awful.

I can’t talk to my best friends for help, as their parents are all still married and sort of happy. That just makes me sadder. Please help me.

— Hurting and Sad, West Kildonan

Dear Hurting and Sad: Your parents may be too closely bound up in their problems to be able to listen to you — and to help you find something that resembles peace in this family.

It may be wise for you to speak to a family counsellor to get some perspective. Then who knows, maybe if you let your mom know what you’re doing you could ask her if she would join you in some sessions and she may surprise you by saying yes.

You may also want to try spending a bit of social time with your dad, just to get some sense of what’s happening from his perspective.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am from overseas and my fiancée is from Winnipeg and has lived here all her life. The thing that worries me is my future mother-in-law demands too much. She competes with her own daughter on everything and always lets her know she is better at it. Sometimes my fiancée breaks down and cries. I don’t want a mother-in-law from hell.

How can I get her mother to stop trying to outdo her daughter? I could never live with her family in the same house or next door, but I do love my wife-to-be so much that I have relented and agreed we could live in the same neighbourhood as her mother.

Am I wrong to think this could be far enough apart to work things out when her mother is so interfering?

— Mr. Confused, Norwood

Dear Mr. Confused: Put down your foot about your mother-in-law never moving in with you, and stick to it. But, let your fiancée tell her mom that privately in her own way. Then check to see if it has happened. If not, you’ll have to break the news gently but firmly to your future mother-in-law yourself.

Agreeing to reside in the same neighbourhood, but no nearer, might be good practice. You and your mother-in-law will occasionally lock horns, but hopefully learning how to compromise can make things smoother for the long haul.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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