Try to heal, move on from cheating hubby

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband had developed a suspicious pattern of being missing in action during work hours — and finally I figured it out. He had another woman.

I insisted on counselling and he reluctantly went, “for the kids’ sake,” he said. The counselling seemed to have worked, especially when the other woman transferred to Ontario. Little did I realize, however, she would still be flying back here regularly to keep up her sales in Manitoba, and my husband would continue seeing her.

There is no love left between him and me now.

Worse than the cheating, he’s not an attentive father to his children, when he even bothers to hang out with them. Frankly, it was me who always wanted to have a family, and my husband just wanted to have a lot of sex. Now he’s out a lot after work, no doubt getting what he needs.

It looks like I may have to go back to work at my old full-time job (they’ve always been trying to get me back), and we’ll have to sell our house as we get divorced.

Do you have any ideas for me at this point? My head is spinning and I’m crying a lot, which is not good for me, and certainly not for the kids.

— Desperate Mom of Two, Sage Creek

Dear Desperate: First, talk to your doctor about steadying your mood so you can get through this hard time, and ask for a referral to reputable relationship counsellor.

Then see your past employer, who loved your work. Try to get your old job back or something else they might suggest. Line up a good babysitter, and start building a foundation for your little family.

Also, make sure to secure a reputable divorce lawyer and formulate a plan to help set you and the kids up financially with a generous monthly amount from your ex.

Part of your problem may be you have not fully let go of a marriage dream — even though it went kaput. You need to replace it with a new goal of being a happy and successful single mom and not chasing after this ex-husband who has disrespected you and the kids.

It’s imperative you change your taste in a mate before you start dating seriously again. You need a guy who shares a family dream with you and loves your kids, and is not just a lover and playmate. Personal counselling would help you a lot and might be available through coverage at your job.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend has a menagerie of pets and lives in a little house on the edge of some farmland on the outskirts of the city. I still don’t know which I like best — my new mate or her lovable animals, though I’m not crazy about living in the boonies, like she does.

I mentioned this to her last night and she told me to hit the brakes. She said, “I just met you and I don’t know how well I like your lifestyle either, if you can even call living in a rental house an actual lifestyle.”

Whoa. Did I blow this relationship myself? Is she turned off by me? Are we really a mismatch? It’s the best sex I ever had, but does that even matter?

— Mr. Big Mouth, Fort Rouge

Dear Big Mouth: If you meet someone who is happy with their lifestyle and it doesn’t meld with yours, then dating and playing with each other might be the most you’re going to do before saying a quick “adios.” And, that’s OK. Breakups always hurt to some degree. The mistake people make is hanging around way too long after realizing they’ll never be a lasting pair.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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