Peak of passion no joking matter for you

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is a born joker and just when I’m about to reach the pinnacle he’ll often say something so funny, I dissolve into hoots of laughter — and then the passion is gone. Too bad for me.

But he’s a man and he carries on just fine. Why doesn’t he rein his joking in, instead of ruining orgasmic moments for me?

— Left in the Lurch, West End

Dear Left in the Lurch: Your husband is likely not joking to spoil the orgasm for you on purpose. A naturally funny person may not have the self-control to hold back funny phrases or gestures that pop into their heads — especially while at the heights of passion, which can stir them to the surface.

Early in a sex session, consider signalling to your husband’s brain what sort of encounter you’re in the mood for — particularly if it really matters to you.

For you, at times, that may well be more sensual and focused, but there’s nothing wrong with injecting levity and humour into lovemaking when you’re in the mood for it. You could complement your desired mood with appropriate music to support it, then let the fun begin.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Today my first love came to see me at the house where I’ve lived alone since my husband died. My old sweetheart said he didn’t come for any reason except to see me in person again. He also wanted to see if he could still experience that special lit-up feeling I used to give him.

Due to an illness and a serious operation I had as a young woman, I was able to have sex, but could not have children anymore. He broke up with me because of that.

He confessed to me he only felt love for a short while after he married the woman who would bear his children. She did love him deeply and gave him two kids who resemble him, which is what he wanted. Now his wife has died as well.

He confessed he came to see me because he wanted to share this sad fact: deep down, soon after he married, he wished he had married me — the woman he really loved — and that we had adopted children to raise together.

Now that he’s a widower, he said he thought we both might both be lonely and he wondered if we could see if we could at least be friends.

I felt a rush of tears and said, “Please go away. I need time to think.” He left and I cried my heart out for what might have been an hour.

I feel sorry for him, but he isn’t the young man I loved years ago — and maybe he wasn’t who I thought he was back when.

But then I think, maybe he was truly sorry for years over the fact he left me behind. Should I give him a go?

— So Confused, West Kildonan

Dear Confused: Why not give him a chance? Don’t put yourself in a position of wondering, but not knowing for sure if it could have worked at this point in both your lives.

Consider experimenting with dinners and long talks first. See him long enough to know what you feel — or don’t feel. You may find you care for each other a lot and even grow to love each other again. However, it might just end up as a friendship. In fact, you might find you’re glad you didn’t marry each other long ago.

Not having the courage to explore this now will just leave you with more questions. Even if it’s just one or two dates and you find out you would never have been a good match, it will give you both some peace of mind.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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