Time to accept reality of mate’s infidelity

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My bisexual wife has been seeing an old female friend again and spending a lot of time at her place. She even stays some overnights on weekends in the winter because she says it’s far from home, the roads are slippery and they are drinking wine.

Sure.

I just found out recently that the truth is they like to go to a bar near the friend’s house and act like a couple, dancing together in a sensual way.

I knew before I married my wife that she’d had one lesbian relationship — so no big deal to me.

My wife said she just wanted to try everything in life and she knew from trying it out that sex with a woman wasn’t for her in the long term. Perfect.

But now she’s trying it again. These overnights started during the late winter and went into spring. I would lie awake alone at home, missing her beside me in bed.

Should I make a surprise visit to the bar she and her girlfriend go to and check out what really happens?

The nights when she’s away are so long for me. I go crazy lying awake thinking about what might be happening.

— Miserable, Charleswood

Dear Miserable: Of course you’re upset. Your wife seems to be pursuing an extramarital relationship — and you’re waiting up all night for her. Most people would have hit the roof or packed their bags before this.

You don’t need to go to the bar that your wife and her girlfriend frequent for visual proof of their dancing and touching. Nor do you have to wait for a confession from your partner. You can feel it in your bones that something bigger is going on. She’s back to giving her best love to a former lover — and in public.

Enough. You don’t have to be “Mr. Second Best” in your marriage.

So, see a psychologist alone and ask your wandering wife to join you during a later session.

Then you can ask hard questions such as, “Why did you marry me in the first place?”

Her answers could range from “I thought I wanted a family” to “You were good-looking and sweet, and I thought my family would finally approve.”

Or, it could more likely be, “I wanted to experience a relationship with a man in case I was missing something — and I found out I wasn’t.”

This woman is not a trustworthy mate, so lawyer up to get a fair deal and say goodbye to your cheating wife.

The good news is if you get some tips from the psychologist on how not to be a pushover — and how two people in love should treat each other — you may find a great new woman who treats you well for life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been regularly driving out to my cabin. At first, it was just to check on my amateur builder’s progress, and then it was to buy insulation and everything that goes with constructing an addition.

Finally, I just hired an experienced, professional builder to fully winterize and add on to my place.

My boss keeps looking at me with amusement and asking me when I’m planning on working from my cabin office.

It’s becoming a bit of a joke because I can’t stay away from it. I’m driving up three or four days a week to supervise the builders — I don’t want to miss a thing.

I’ve never been a country guy, and I never thought I could survive a winter out there, but I have two close friends doing it already, so I think I could manage it.

My boss has practically offered a remote-work deal to me already because she trusts me. What do you think?

— Town-and-Country Guy, The Maples

Dear Town-and-Country: If possible, start working a few days a week from the cabin, showing as much interest in your work as you usually do in the city.

When your boss and workmates feel there’s no problem working with you at the lake, they’ll stop worrying about carrying some of your load. Make it clear you’re willing to drive back to the city office any time you’re really needed and give them the exact number of minutes it will take.

Some people who work outside the office turn out better-quality work because they can’t go out for lunches and drinks with their work group.

Also, you can keep a strong relationship with your manager and co-workers by working harder than usual at the lake.

Be sure to have the whole office out for a party or two in the summer, so your cabin feels familiar to them when they contact you from the office. Once they experience your satellite office, it’ll probably be just fine, and they can totally relax about the distance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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