Don’t try to repress your need for solitude

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My lesbian lover gives me way more fun and happiness than the worrywart guy I married way back when. However, there’s one big problem: now that my kids have gone off to the city, my love wants to move in with me and my animals on my hobby farm.

But with no kids about, I don’t want her here more than one or two nights a week, max. She’s too serious and homebound. I like to wander and enjoy privacy and personal space for exploring. I also like to go online and meet other women and even the occasional back-to-the-land-type man.

That would shock and hurt my lover, who thinks it’s just the two of us. I actually like to go out alone roaming to expand my horizons.

This week, my girlfriend put pressure on me to start seeing her more and I just made a bunch of lame excuses because I don’t want that. Is it down to the restless winds of spring blowing in?

She finally narrowed her eyes and said, “I give up — we’re through. You just don’t want me enough to give up everybody else.”

I said, “You’re right. Maybe I do want to keep some novelty in my life.”

With that, she left and now it’s too quiet. My phone is never ringing and all I can think about is her. What the heck is wrong with me?

— Never Happy With What I’ve Got, Stonewall

Dear Never Happy: The haunting country-music standard The Wayward Wind celebrates a person’s wanderlust — and that’s what you need to start doing. This woman wants to tie you down and you resent her for it. So celebrate the adventurer in you and let this boring lover go and find someone who actually wants to be with her.

Being a wanderer doesn’t make you a bad person. Love yourself and be all of yourself, not just the part that stays in one place and acts like everybody else.

For some inspiration, look up the tune — there are versions by Gogi Grant and Patsy Cline.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with two brothers and in danger of losing both of them — or tearing them apart from each other.

They have always been close (they were born only 10 months apart) and even dressed alike in school without being told to. They were just naturally close and had the same tastes.

I used to do things with them as the third wheel, with no sex involved. Some people laughingly called us the triplets. As a joke we went together to graduation as a trio.

It was all in fun — until it wasn’t anymore. We pursued different degrees at different universities. Now my guys both have girlfriends, which is fine, but the women don’t want to include me in anything, even if I bring a date.

The guys and I kind of drifted apart, but then a week ago, the brothers were at a bar together and called me up. I cabbed it over and we had a blast drinking and playing the machines.

In the end, we were pretty loaded and the guys started complaining about their girlfriends not being like me. I asked why and they said, “You’re just one of the boys.” That made me feel sad.

— Confused Friend, St. Vital

Dear Confused: Sexual attraction and jealousy would have messed you three up in your teens. But you had the advantage of feeling like true friends or even a bit like brothers and sister. Be glad for the years you had as buddies and continue on if you can.

Look elsewhere for a guy who inspires your romantic interest, just as the two guys have looked for and found girlfriends to inspire theirs.

Once you also have a boyfriend with a strong ego in place — and the guys have solid relationships — consider trying a date with all three couples. It might work if the significant others don’t feel it’s too weird.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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