Don’t starve son of praise as he perseveres

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/01/2025 (640 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: One September — way back when I was going into high school — my father offered me $300 to quit smoking, even if I just lasted one month. I hung out with older guys and smoked steadily, starting in Grade 8. I was pretty hooked. You could always smell it on me, and my parents were pretty upset.

My dad said it could be the start of a car fund. It was hard, but somehow I managed to do it and collected the $300! Then Dad said he’d give me $50 a month if I stayed quit until I graduated high school. I never smoked again, and saved a lot of that money. I got a job and bought an old car when I was just 16.

What does this experience say to me? Some kids can be money-motivated. I’ve just made a financial deal with my own high-school-age kid, who used to have a lot of energy but became much too “relaxed” last fall, because of his daily marijuana use. He was falling asleep in class, and you could smell it on him, so his teachers contacted us.

I wanted him to get off it, so I offered him a cash deal like I once had with my dad, and hinted at the car idea. It seems to be working so far but there’s a difference. I didn’t want my father’s encouragement or advice when I quit smoking cigarettes. I just wanted him to ignore my struggle. My own son wants me to keep noticing him, and praising him! I don’t know how much I should get involved. I would have rebelled if my dad had been on my case, watching and sniffing me to see if I was still smoking.

— So Different, North Kildonan

Dear Different: You need to respect your kid runs on a different “fuel” than you did — and is more sensitive. He needs regular verbal encouragement. So tell your son often you trust him and are proud of his perseverance.

If he falls off the wagon, don’t shame him and risk alienating him, emotionally. Instead, help him stick with it, and show him you can do this together. While you are different personality types, you’re still father and son.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend loved the Christmas presents I gave her, but barely gave me anything in return. She could see I was hurt, and I still am. She said she gives me her body every weekend, and that’s a big gift I should be “grateful” for.

I guess it is, but I give her my body too, and sometimes I’m tired when she wants me, and I give her my best “performance” anyway. What do you think? She makes more money at her office job than I do, but she still acts like her guy should provide everything.

— Feeling Used, North End

Dear Feeling Used: Giving you next to nothing for Christmas and telling you her present to you is sex is nonsense! Sex is not handed over as some kind of payment to another person, unless we’re talking about prostitution.

It’s time you freed yourself from this unhealthy relationship and started looking for a mate who loves you as a person, not as a provider.

You need a love partner who really wants to share affection with you with no strings attached. A different mate with a giving personality would naturally want to do that — and with a generosity you’ve never seen to this point.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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