Never too late to break painful pattern and bond

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/01/2025 (582 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My grown sons are jealous of the fuss I make over the puppy I just got. Over the holidays, I stayed at each of their homes for a few days. One of my boys said to me over breakfast — while I had the dog on my lap, eating bits of my toast — “Dad, you never treated us like that. Why were you so tough on us?”

I had no immediate answer, so I kept thinking and realized I was in the military when we started a family. I was living by all those rules then and I guess I bought into that mentality at home as well. I was strict, wanting my sons to grow up to be strong men. I treated them more like miniature soldiers than sensitive children.

But they didn’t choose to join the military, so I guess they got my tough treatment for nothing. I recently noticed my sons are quite rule-oriented and not very affectionate with their own young children, just like I was with them.

Is it too late to change this somehow? I’m feeling quite a bit of regret and I want to do something so my grandkids have a different type of upbringing.

— Grandpa’s Regrets, western Manitoba

Dear Grandpa: When your son saw you being sweet, tender and generous with your canine child, he remembered his boyhood experiences with you. Those hurts are still very much present for your kids, just like you’re feeling regret now. So I’d say it’s time to take your puppy and go visit both your sons again — with real purpose.

Confess that you were wrong to be so strict and cold with them. Tell your boys you realize now you should have been more loving and forgiving as a dad. It takes a meaningful type of courage for a father to honestly say sorry for past behaviour, and to work to atone.

Then tell your sons how much you love them and that you realize how much you missed out on by being tough. Tell them you hope they will start being warmer with you and with their own kids as well.

You realize now this is the best way to raise sensitive young beings, and it’s never too late for meaningful change and to break a hurtful cycle for a new generation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have always been that woman who gives till it hurts. I helped my daughter raise my grandchildren after she dumped her husband to “find herself.”

Now, it’s me who needs her and her kids — they’re my only family and social life. But when I told her that, she didn’t say anything — she just gave her new husband a long look.

The next day she told me she and her family are going to Mexico in February and can’t take me. Mexico was a special place for me and her dad and she said she was worried I would be breaking down and crying all the time thinking about old memories, like I did last time.

How heartless can she be? I can do my mourning in silence since it bothers her so much. I don’t know how to handle her anymore. Sometimes I just want to move from my house near theirs, but then I wouldn’t be able to see my grandchildren so much, though she has been known to cancel visits with them as a way to punish me.

How do I get past this recent pain caused by my selfish daughter and still have a life?

— Left Behind, East Kildonan

Dear Left Behind: It’s time you changed your image from grandma/babysitter to independent older woman with interests and new friends. Let go of the visible mourning for your husband now and start to get prepare to meet new friends, both male and female.

It’s also time to detach from your daughter and her husband a little, so you can devote time to your own happiness.

Get active and out of the house. You might start with pickleball — an easy and popular sport with seniors and available to play at most community clubs around the city. Also, be sure to check out the Manitoba Association of Senior Communities online (manitobaseniorcommunities.ca) where the 55-plus crowd can find options near them for services and activities to enhance their lives.

Volunteering and getting more involved with places of worship or social causes can offer opportunities for friendships and a boost to self-regard. So why not “over-join” in 2025 and see what activities stick?

As for your daughter, turn the tables on her. Let her start missing you a bit, and have to start chasing you down for visits and babysitting. That will be good for both of you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We were out having a snowball fight after Christmas dinner. I kicked my brother (an adult) in the butt in a playful manner — maybe a little too hard, I admit. He lost it. He grabbed me and pushed me on my back and punched me hard in the jaw. It loosened a tooth.

I’m going to be fine, but my wife says she’s had enough of his company. Now what? We were doing a lot of things together with him, his wife and their curling friends.

— Not Turfing Friends, St. Boniface

Dear Not Turfing: Continue to see your brother and his wife on your own and keep casually inviting your wife to join. If she refuses, don’t make a big deal out of it, but report the fun you have when out together.

Every time you make a plan to go out with your bro and his wife, casually ask your wife again — but no begging or harassing.

Soon, the tooth issue will fade in her mind, and she’ll join you — as long as you don’t gloat and point out she’s finally doing it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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