Don’t let ‘open’ policy slam door on real love

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/01/2025 (617 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: As a lesbian with a stubborn streak, I have found myself in a difficult situation. I refused to give up my open-relationship stance with my new partner and she has retaliated.

I’ve never been this deeply in love before and it just ripped me apart when I found out she sneaked off and saw her former lover, who was in Manitoba for a visit over the holidays. She drove out and stayed with her at a resort while I was away visiting my grandma. I’m just a wreck. What now?

— Torn Up, St. Boniface

Dear Torn Up: It’s one thing to believe in an untested idea about relationships, but often another to experience it. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. Your open-relationship provision may have been a useful tactic in protecting your ego by not letting someone else get too attached to you, but now that you have deep feelings for a mate, you’re having a very normal reaction.

It’s quite all right to admit this experience hurt you deeply and that you can’t go through it again. You need to tell your new love you were wrong and that it ripped you apart knowing she was away being intimate with her ex.

Saying goodbye may be necessary for you emotionally, but you may be able to work it out if both of you agree to follow the same rules.

You really have to be on the same page as far as commitment if you want a relationship to work.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a beautiful woman who set me on fire during my Christmas holiday in Montreal. I needed a drink before seeing my difficult parents after flying in, so I took a cab downtown.

I immediately saw this dark-eyed woman sitting alone at my favourite bar, and I smiled. She came over to wish me a Merry Christmas, saying she was a grad student. We talked about all kinds of things and she was very intelligent as well as sexy.

It was the beginning of a short romance — and a strange little game. I’d leave my parents and meet her every evening at different cocktail bars in hotels. Sometimes we would just drink and have dinner in the bar. In the end, I’d usually rent a room, and we would stay making love for a few hours.

She never asked me for any money. When pushed, she would say she lived in a student residence and her parents lived in the Maritimes, but they didn’t get along. I didn’t know what to believe and she didn’t seem to care.

She would say at the end of an evening that she would see me at a certain time the next day and scribble a new hotel name out for me.

On my last night there, I expected she would reveal the mystery surrounding her, but she just kept kissing me to keep me quiet, whispering, “Just remember me.“

Now I’m back in Winnipeg and totally shocked. Her phone number is no longer working. So what was she doing with me? I was starting to fall in love with her.

— Bewildering Fling, Winnipeg

Dear Bewildering Fling: People who “live lies” for a period of time cleverly pick company who are not connected in any way to their social or family spheres and not likely to be overly suspicious.

It’s also best if their dalliance is not going to be around long enough to really check things out.

Luckily, this woman was not looking for money, just drinks and dinners, some warm company and a little loving. She might actually have been lonely at her university residence over the holidays, as some out-of-province students are. Perhaps she found an amusing way to get through the break.

It’s probably best just to leave it alone now. Instead of obsessing about not being able to get in touch with this mystery lover, store the experience away as a special memory you likely won’t share with many people.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography