Parental bond about far more than just blood

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This article was published 26/10/2024 (735 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex and I had a child via sperm donor, as I’m infertile genetically. I consider my child to be my own flesh and blood, as I was never going to have one naturally. But ever since my girlfriend broke up with me, she’s been acting more and more like our child isn’t truly mine — since biologically, he isn’t.

It’s extremely hurtful when she tries to make executive decisions about how to raise our boy, when we’re supposed to be co-parenting. If I complain, she gives me jabs about how she “carried the baby for nine long months” and it’s “her flesh and blood,” not mine.

She knows these comments wound me deeply, and she’s already tried to explain to my boy, who’s barely past being a toddler, that “only Mommy’s DNA” is in him.

My heart broke when I next had visiting time, and he asked me, “Are you my real daddy?” I had to try to explain to my own child why I really am his father. There’s no one else who would have been mean and selfish enough to bring that “real father” issue up to him other than his mother!

What can I even do? She and I are barely on speaking terms, and I know this is all being done for some kind of revenge, because I gave up a job I hated that earned me a lot of money. The pressure had been literally killing me and I was getting sick. She dumped me because of that. I feel worse now. This mess is becoming a heartbreaking situation.

— Feeling Terrible, Charleswood

Dear Feeling Terrible: You’re understandably fearing your ex’s endgame — that there’ll be no clear daddy in the picture for this little boy, until she meets a new guy she wants. Then he gets awarded the role.

She wants you feeling so hurt that you back out of the picture way before that. The way you feel, that will not be happening. There’s more than biology involved with your boy’s “real” parentage. There’s a deep love and a history of you going through the pregnancy with his mother, and then helping to parent him since the day he was born.

You agreed to the artificial insemination because you were infertile, but you have been the “real father” since he arrived, loving “your” boy and caring for him.

It’s time to see an experienced family lawyer, to find out what can be done to make sure you don’t lose contact with your boy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been seeing a guy casually, and he’s clearly head-over-heels for me. I’m just not feeling the same way.

We’ve discussed numerous times that our relationship is just casual, and that we’ll both still be actively dating outside of it. However, he doesn’t date anyone else, and when we’re together he dotes on me, like he’s my husband! He’s a bit much, calling me darling and sweetheart all the time.

He is a sweet, attractive guy and my dogs really love him. By all accounts, he checks all the boxes, but I just don’t feel excited to be in a committed relationship with him, so I’m not going to be, and I won’t be pushed.

I like the casual relationship we (sort of) have now. I do wish I felt differently, but I know that isn’t going to change. Should I break things off or should I believe him when he says he’s fine with a casual friends-with-benefits type situation?

— Uncomfortable, North Kildonan

Dear Uncomfortable: You owe it to this sweet man who dotes on you to break it off and free him up, though it will hurt him badly at first. He’s the one who’s emotionally involved so he just can’t walk away on his own.

He needs you to be tough now, and set him free.

When he finally accepts the breakup and gets over the hurt, hopefully he’ll start looking for a mutually loving relationship. To make it easier for him, don’t offer him friendship as a consolation prize. He’d have a hard time turning that down, but he needs to get far away from you to heal.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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