Why over-question out-of-the-blue passion?

Opinion

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This article was published 25/10/2024 (329 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife’s behaviour has shifted drastically recently — she’s gone from cold to loving, seemingly overnight. She’s initiating things in the bedroom when I swear she couldn’t have been less interested in sex for the past five years.

She’s even been grabbing my butt, just like we were dating again. It all feels so sudden and unexpected, that it’s made me suspicious. She insists nothing is up, but I worry something happened, perhaps extramarital.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to ruin this, and just be grateful she’s being so warm. But if I’m being honest, I would have a much easier time accepting it if she just gave me a reason — like she had viewed an inspirational video, spoke to a therapist or watched a friend’s relationship end.

Despite asking her seriously about it many times, she maintains this passion is just “out of the blue.” I don’t know what to do here, but I know I can’t continue to be suspicious or things will definitely fall apart.

— Suspicious, East Kildonan

Dear Suspicious: When women feel better about their life circumstances — like they quit a job they didn’t like, they no longer have to work shifts, they got a big promotion, the kids have left home or their health has finally improved — then their sexual desire can often bloom again.

Why spoil this impassioned “windfall” with suspicion? Obviously, you have won the competition with the other guy — if there even was one! If your lady did have an affair and it tanked, and she decided she loves you more and wants her sexy body on yours — why not accept that?

The last thing you want to do is haul your wife off for marriage counselling when things are becoming delightfully happy and sexy again.

Still need some answers privately? Spend an hour with a relationship specialist, who will ask you questions to get at this “mystery” from other angles, and maybe you won’t have to keep quizzing your wife.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is a fiery woman, and she gets into fights with people over things that should just have been minor discussions. She never fights with me, because the one time she tried, and threw a drink at me, I walked right out the door. I stayed away for three days, and we were both emotional messes.

We don’t finish fights anymore — too dangerous — but, she still starts fights with servicemen and builders who come to the home we’re renovating, but still living in.

This week I got an angry call from the renovation contractor who said he was not sending his workmen back to finish the project we need completed before the snow falls unless I had a “stiff talk” with my wife. He said she had to agree to stay completely away and stop interfering.

I heard from a neighbour that the workers have dubbed her the witch of our street! When I told her our project might be dropped because of her angry interference, she cried and deeply apologized.

Then she said something weird — that she needs things done perfectly for me, so I wouldn’t be mad and leave her. What nonsense! Where does this come from? I’m the easygoing one here. What can we do about it this?

— Upset and Confused, Charleswood

Dear Upset and Confused: Since you’re the easygoing marriage partner, something must be echoing in your wife’s head from another time that makes her fear imperfection and the ensuing consequences if your renovations don’t turn out perfectly.

Was there a harsh perfectionist in her background? Did somebody (like her mom, perhaps) bear the brunt of things not done perfectly in the home and lived in fear?

It’s time to have a serious talk about the origins of this problem.

Insist on some relationship therapy — together and solo.

First though, solve the winter deadline problem, by removing your wife from the equation. Rent a hotel room with a kitchenette, or a fancier “corporate suite” for a couple of weeks, so your project can be finished in peace by the builders before the snow falls. That way, everybody can finally breathe easier!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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