Rebounding from betrayal calls for serious self-care

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This article was published 30/05/2024 (833 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Imagine my shock when I found out my lifelong best friend, to whom I confided all the personal info about my recent breakup, has been seeing my ex-girlfriend in secret. I don’t know what hurt more — the breakup or him sneaking around and secretly helping himself to my woman.

I had confessed to him everything I might have done wrong to make her leave me. He used me, and I hate him for it. I hate them both. I’m feeling a deep pain. I was literally speechless for the first three days — all I could do was cry.

How do I get myself through this horror show? Don’t tell me to go talk to him because I couldn’t trust myself not to break his face.

— Betrayed By Best Friend, St. Boniface

Dear Betrayed: Nothing hurts worse than betrayal by a loved and trusted friend, but for now, don’t make the mistake of talking to your other guy friends about it. Your best ally is actually someone who is not remotely a part of this group — such as a psychologist, a relationship counsellor or a close relative; someone who can help bind your wounds and help you get stronger.

It will take time to get back into the dating world, so go very slowly.

Warning: don’t bother trying to talk things out with the guy who stole your lady. No apology will be sufficient enough and it could get violent. Instead, invest your energy in repairing your mind and spirit, and finding some new and better friends.

You could be emotionally well enough to look for a better mate to love later this summer if you take care of yourself, starting now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My newly separated mother has come out as bisexual. Last week she said she has a long-term love she wants to introduce me to — a woman.

I don’t want to meet her. I just want my mom to give her head a shake and get back with my father, who loves her so much. He would do anything for her and me, and he’s always been like that. I used to wonder why mom was so cool and unaffectionate with him, even when he would buy her gifts or surprise her with tickets for trips. She’d hardly react at all — she’d just say a very cool, “That’s nice.”

When I asked her if this woman thing was some kind of mid-life crisis experiment, she blew up. She said she has known her new girlfriend her whole life and has always loved her, but wanted a family and kids. As if that made things any better. She used my dad for what she wanted when she really loved a woman.

Dad just keeps shaking his head and talks about how he tried so hard to make my mom happy. He’s a real man and always has been. How can I get my mother to see how selfish she’s being?

— Daughter of Selfish Mom, Charleswood

Dear Daughter: Your mother may think you are the selfish one. She denied herself the female love of her life to have you with a father figure and bring you up in an easier life situation.

Then, in her mind, after you were older, it could be time to finally go back with her lady love.

Let’s take stock: What do you have left in the relationship department? Not much if you stay stubborn and angry.

Consider this: talk through this shock with a trusted older person or counsellor and gain some understanding of the feelings of both your mother and your father. Then take a deep breath and have some private talks with your mother’s female partner. You may end up with some understanding of her and finally gain some acceptance of the new situation.

Once the anger and disappointment has eased, it’s time for you as a straight woman, to go ahead and find a relationship with a loving male partner for yourself.

If all this settles down and you’re lucky, you might have some children who can be spoiled — by at least three grandparents.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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