There must be a man inside the ‘machine’

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been married to a specific type of man for many years now, and I’m bored of it — he’s my Robbie the Robot.

He does everything on a schedule. I can tell you exactly where he is and what he’s doing during his workday, his drive home, dinner prep and serving, washing dishes, TV shows, shower, bed and 15 minutes of sex.

Then there’s the big snore every night.

Do I love him? I don’t know. Can you love a robot? I suppose so, but it doesn’t seem to be what other women have, and I’ve asked my sisters and closest friends about it.

I’m thinking now, rather bitterly, that I could have ordered a $100,000 robot, but with a life routine I could program, which would be way more fun. What now? Seriously, I’m bored stiff with my husband.

—Married to Robot, Birds Hill

Dear Married to Robot: People can deeply love things other than tame animals and people.

In fact, some of them love their pets, homes, yards, jobs, artistic pursuits and sports more passionately than they should. Then there’s not nearly enough love and time left to split between their partners, children, friends or relatives.

But you are not married to a robot. The human is still in there, and it would be worthwhile to see a relationship counsellor alone for a time, and then ask your husband to join you for sessions.

Yes, it would be an ambush, but it sounds like you’re desperate and your relationship is in jeopardy.

Also, you need to grasp what part you played in this relationship, which cannot have started out so robotic and repetitive, or you wouldn’t have married the man in the first place.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I live with my new husband in an apartment and his deluded ex-wife has just moved into the same neighbourhood very near to us.

At first, I thought the clinginess was all her fault. But I came home from work early with a headache and I let myself in quietly, while my guy was on the phone.

I knew it was his ex-wife because he always uses the same voice with her, like he’s talking to a flaky teenage daughter. She still phones here almost every day, on any excuse. Let’s face it — she’s still in love with the man because he’s such a “sweetie,” according to her.

On a weird hunch I listened secretly without announcing my presence. I got quite a shock. They were on speakerphone and he was using pet names with her.

He said, “Yes, I still love you, darling, and I will always love you.

“Yes, the sex was great with you, but you know I can’t be with you anymore and I’m better off living with her.”

I’m just her? This affected me badly.

I grabbed the phone and almost slammed him in the face with it. I’m at a loss for words. I feel sick.

He always says how much he loves me, like daily. What can I do?

— Broken-Hearted, St. Boniface

Dear Broken-Hearted: There’s no way around this. You have to talk to your husband seriously about what he’s going to do with this continuing phone relationship with his ex and acting as if they have never broken up. This has got to stop.

The “I love yous” and pet names, are not just coming from her — he’s dishing them back when prompted. So where does that leave you?

You have to tell your husband exactly what you overheard and explain the tones he was using and the feelings it sparked in you.

People don’t generally break up over catch-up phone calls with exes, but this type of call is a big step from, “How are you doing these days?”

Your whole relationship with this man may be based on a faulty premise. Perhaps he’s been feeling just fine having two women adoring him at once. You might want to pour this out to a counsellor before you confront him for the make-it-or-break-it conversation, so you don’t just break down in sobs when you face him down.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.