Unresolved issues leave little space for you

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend — who is newly divorced — has two great children from his marriage. Although he and I have been together since Christmas, it’s obvious he loves his kids much more than he loves me! For instance, he lavishes affection on the kids when they’re over and completely leaves me out. I’m just the cook and dish-washer for the night.

When I brought this up recently, he said, “My girlfriends don’t last, because if I’m openly affectionate with them, the kids tell their mother we’re making out in front of them! They want all my affection and attention when I’m with them.” Then he added, “Stick around, and the kids will probably loosen up.”

Stick around? The explanation and his “advice” totally turned me off. What do you think?

— Not Second-Best to Anyone, St. Vital

Dear Not Second-Best: This man is hurt, bitter and sounds like he’s still bobbing around in a stormy sea. He needs a counsellor who can help him get back to solid ground before he can properly love anyone else and still hang onto his children without so much trouble from their mother.

His ex-wife no doubt hears about his new girlfriends from the chirpy kids. They also likely overhear their mom talking on the phone to family and girlfriends, and she may be saying nasty things about you.

As long as this boyfriend and his ex are interacting negatively, the wounds from the marriage can’t heal. That means this man has little room to completely love a new person, and lives in fear that the affection in his new relationship with you is being exaggerated to his kids’ mother.

Do yourself a favour and move on to a less complicated relationship where you have a real chance at being loved, and are experiencing lots of affection freely and openly. This situation is not your fault, unless you stubbornly stay in it like it’s a game you just have to win.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my first husband at The Forks and he has transformed into the kind of guy I always hoped he would be! He looks great, talks like a gentleman instead of a sailor and has lost his overly defensive sharp edges. I couldn’t believe the clothes he was wearing, the haircut and the absence of cursing.

Then his new wife showed up, and she looks like a model. She actually spoke to me like I was important. I believe she called me “the missing piece of the puzzle” and welcomed me to sit down with them for a meal. So I did! She had nice things to say about my children. I was already aware they liked her.

I ended up liking her, too, and much more than I like my ex-husband, now. But as we said goodbye, she said she wanted to get to know me better, but that kind of cosiness sticks in my craw! I’m a realist and I don’t want to be buddy-buddy with her. What do you think?

— Pulling Back, River Heights

Dear Pulling Back: This surprise dinner together is enough socializing to satisfy curiosity and ease any lingering discord without getting too buddy-buddy with the new wife. You’ve done the polite thing, with both of you satisfying basic curiosities about each other and have said a pleasant goodbye.

What else should you do? You could get this woman’s contact info to keep handy. That way you’ll always know you can contact her about any kid issues, if need be. But don’t contact her for informal chatting. Winnipeg isn’t a small town where you are forced to run into and interact with former partners a lot, and that is a fortunate situation for exes.

If this woman contacts you to complain about your ex-husband, don’t make the mistake of starting a little back-and-forth club for doing that, or it could end up in another break-up, and this woman sounds like pretty decent person to have around your children.

Bottom line? You need to know when you’re winning in the “game of life,” and when to leave well enough alone.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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