Comforting connection cools as danger abates

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A guy my age from Alberta contacted me though Facebook during a scary situation in my fire-threatened town in northern Manitoba, and asked very sympathetically about what I was going through at the time. We got really close during the worst of the fires, but now the extreme danger has passed in my area, he has just faded away from me, like I’m old news.

There’s no more sweet talk on the phone, no more comforting me and telling me he’d come to see me as soon as he can. I’m not the only woman in my area in this situation, either. A couple of my girlfriends basically got used for personal news reports and descriptions of the uncertain, terrifying experience.

These guys faded right out after the fires receded in our area. My guy was single (or so he says), but one of my girlfriend’s guys was married with a wife and four kids!

I think now my “hero” was getting off on my daily reports of the looming calamity. He was posting his Superman-style “I could save you” messages on Facebook to me, plus he made late-night phone calls.

Now, his Facebook messages are few and far between. I feel like such a fool for thinking he really cared about me! I feel embarrassed and mad at myself for letting this sympathetic part-time “hero,” swoop in looking for daily first-hand reports of the terrorizing situation I feared was coming my way.

He still sends me occasional Facebook messages, but they’re short and much cooler than before, like I’m some kind of emotional case he helped heal.

I feel a deep loneliness now I’ve been dropped by him. I have no assurance of my safety here in the future, but he’s lost interest in it and me.

What do you suggest I do about him and his disappearing act? He was my emotional lifeboat that used to soothe me during my terrifying days and nights.

— Don’t Understand, northern Manitoba

Dear Don’t Understand: People generally don’t ask for credentials when accepting help they desperately need. Yours was a normal response to a stranger who offered you a soothing friendship and a kind of romance when you were terrified. You took what was offered when you needed it — a friendly, sympathetic and romantic hero-type man you met online. Don’t be angry with yourself for that!

Unfortunately, it seems this guy just wanted to be a part of the wildfire drama, and you gave him the daily details that fascinated him, but he did still help you through that time emotionally. Even though he’s pretty much disappeared with the recession of the wildfires, you had someone close and interested online and on the phone when your world as you knew it was threatened.

Think of this guy as an emotional life raft who came to you when you needed it most and who has drifted off now, perhaps to play the hero and offer his interest and comfort to another woman! Yes, he loves playing Superman, but it was to your benefit, at the time at least.

It’s likely he’s found another calamity where he could play hero and support another woman. Let him go in your mind, just like you’d say, “Goodbye and thank you” to a fire fighter who helped you down a ladder to safety.

Yes, he may have moved on to other women in bad situations, but just let him go. It’s time to figure out where you’re going to settle next — even it may be a bit further south. Then it will be time to look for a new guy who lives near you and can be checked out before you get too emotionally involved.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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