Connecting with birth mother should be your call

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom who raised me is not my biological mother. My bio-mother is from my hometown in southern Manitoba. She was a young teenager who got pregnant but didn’t want a baby.

I’ve always known I was adopted and I’m so glad to have been raised by my adoptive parents who soon moved north with me because of my adoptive father’s work. Mom was unable to bear children, but she definitely married a great man!

My bio-mother never came looking for me — didn’t even send a letter or card. However, I do know her identity as I accessed my records through the provincial adoption office.

Now I’m a married guy myself, and to a wonderful woman who’s very sentimental. For some strange reason this year, she suddenly insists she wants to meet my biological mother “no matter what she’s like.”

I’ve told my wife I’ll gladly pay for the tickets and fly her and her sister (for company) down south.

But she wants me to be the one to go with her. I won’t go. I can’t stomach the drama.

My wife has some romantic notion that the meeting might bring my bio-mother and I together, and heal the rift. What rift? I’ve never known the woman. She was a teenage girl who got pregnant, had me at the hospital and gave me up for adoption, not a woman who has been pining for the lost baby she once knew.

What’s going on in my wife’s overly idealistic mind?

— Natal Nightmare, northern Manitoba

Dear Nightmare: Your wife may have some romantic notion of forgiveness all round, and may eventually also want to track down your bio-father, in case you have any questions about your genetic health history.

It’s time to explain to her there is no rift to heal for you, and meeting your bio-mother may actually be a bad experience for you. This woman has not been a mother to you, so don’t let yourself be pushed.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: At a school reunion recently I ran into a man who was the love of my world from Grade 2 to Grade 7. When he first arrived at our school he had a mass of curly blonde hair and big green eyes. I was a little girl with long red hair.

I was infatuated by him from that first day all the way to Grade 7. Then we finally had a real “date” and when he walked me home he tried to French kiss me, but he didn’t even get a peck back from me. He didn’t ask me out again.

Then I saw him at our reunion this summer, standing up at the bar. We just stared — too dumbstruck to find any words. Finally, I ordered myself a very big drink, downed it and it loosened my tongue! I said boldly, “Hey, did you know you were the love of my life in grade school?” He laughed and said, “I wish I’d realized that. I thought you didn’t like me much.”

We stood there talking until his wife came and grabbed him for a slow dance. We stole looks at each other the rest of the weekend, but she kept him close beside her.

Then today — more than a month later on my birthday — I got an online card from “Guess who? Happy birthday!” and it had a little picture of the red-haired girl from the Peanuts comic strip. Why did he send this? What does it mean?

— Redhead, Norwood

Dear Redhead: It means this now-married grade-school-crush guy is outright flirting with you. He even went to the trouble to find that cartoon image to charm you. So, send him a card back saying, “Please feel free to get in touch with me again — when you’re actually single!”

Ponder this: How would you like getting involved with a guy like him who goes after other women while he’s in a relationship? His behaviour with you certainly seems to be proof of that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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