Forcing the romance can be counterproductive

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met my Italian-Canadian husband in early September exactly one year ago, when the leaves were turning. We had both been single and lonely for way too long.

We were married three months later at Christmas, and I really wanted a child, even twins! But somehow, we haven’t seemed to be able to get pregnant, with even one child.

Well, now I’m begging to go on a belated honeymoon to romantic Italy, where his relatives with all their children and grandchildren live. Maybe that will help us conceive. They have loads of children — toddlers to teenagers in his extended family.

My husband says, “I’d like to get to know my relatives better and party with them too, but please don’t hint for more wedding celebrations for us, over there.” I won’t do that, but I’m secretly hoping some of their ability to build big families will rub off on us. Also, why was he so rude about “more” wedding celebrations?

— Honeymoon Hopes, Westwood

Dear Honeymoon Hopes: Your husband’s relatives and extended family at parties in Italy will be people who don’t know you well, so don’t be a bride with a plan, such as expecting more big wedding celebrations over there. Show his family you love their son/grandson/nephew for his whole beautiful soul.

Just relax, be warm and friendly with everybody, get to know his people to some depth. Yes, you can show off your wedding photo albums and talk about your lives, but ask all about their lives, too.

Most importantly, they’ll want you to know the man you married is valued by others for who he is and his many interests — not just for the role he can play in starting a family of your own. You should know pressuring your new husband for an instant pregnancy can really drain the romance out of the marriage.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I always feel kind of unsteady when my husband goes back to work as a high school teacher in the fall, especially if our relationship isn’t rock solid. And it isn’t right now.

Frankly, I know he has a “thing” for another teacher at his school. He can deny it all he wants, but I’ve caught him talking to her more than once this summer by listening around the corner when he’s on the phone. It’s not a full-on affair, but he wants her opinion on everything he does — even when school is not in session.

His talks with her often start with “I was wondering about such-and-such,” and the conversation he lets me hear past that is pretty innocent. It’s just that he values her advice so much, when he couldn’t give a dang about mine.

I know I’m not a scientist like the two of them, but it really gets me when I hear the happy tone in his voice when he’s responding to something she’s said to him. He never talks like that with me — and I’m a teacher too, at a junior high. So, it’s not down to them both being teachers, is it?

— Second Choice, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Second Choice: Rather than criticizing your man, you might say to him wistfully after one of his calls, “I wish you still talked to me admiringly like that.” Just let him think about that for a time.

Then start talking to him like you used to, when you were closer and happier. He must have loved you way more than this other teacher friend when the two of you decided to get married.

Also consider going to see a relationship specialist on your own, and work on plan to help you both get back to that happier place.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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