Unity, honesty key in navigating fertility process

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/02/2025 (626 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife wants a baby so badly, it could break us up. We’ve been married five years, using no birth control, but still no pregnancy.

This week we had the biggest child-related fight of all, and she said she was stopping having “useless sex” with me. She didn’t mean it, thank God.

What my beloved woman doesn’t know is I got a girl pregnant in record time in college, so I have been able to seal the deal. That college girlfriend chose to abort the baby and we actually broke up over that loss. It really hurt me.

I do want kids with my wife, desperately, and I would even be happy to go the adoption route. Even though my wife is being a pain, I love her, but she is likely the cause of our fertility problem and really needs to get herself checked out. How can I tell her that?

— Happy to Adopt, St. Vital

Dear Happy to Adopt: The wait time for adopting a baby can be exhausting, as it can take as long as five to 10 years in some cases.

The best move for a frustrated couple in your shoes is to have the fertility of both people assessed. Why should you go when your sperm has already helped create a pregnancy in the past? Levels can change, and yours may be different now.

Plus, it’s also high time you revealed the college pregnancy to your doctors and your wife — and that there was an abortion. It’s an important fact from your life that should not be hidden.

Luckily, you and your wife ultimately want the same thing — happiness with each other and a child.

You both need to be assessed now to see if you’re able to create a child.

So make an appointment to see fertility specialists. You can book a consultation yourself or you can ask your physician to do so.

Fertility specialists understand the stress for frustrated couples like you, and are sensitive in discussing the issues. After this visit you and your wife will find it easier to talk openly with each other about fertility and what can be done to move the project forward.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I used to love my wife, but now she bores and annoys me.

We got married because we come from a strict religious background — and she looked so hot at 18.

We were dying to have sex together and thought we were in love, so we got married in our late teens.

But after a summer of married sex whenever we wanted it, we looked at each other and yawned. We should have been each other’s first sexual relationship partners, not our only ones, but we hung in there.

Then, last night my wife shocked me by granting me my secret wish for freedom when she told me she had bad news: she fell in love with a man she met through her work.

“I’m sorry to hurt you, but I want to be free to be with him.”

Suddenly her freedom was the last thing I wanted to give to her. I yelled to the heavens, “Why me?”

Then she told me how sorry she was to hurt me (she said I was a really nice guy), but said her feelings for me have been gone for a long time.

After that, I went over to my friend’s place to get drunk.

You know what I realized when I was there? The woman I married was the first of us to say “I love you.” I didn’t feel that love, but I didn’t want her to find another guy to have sex with, so I said, “I love you” back. A big fat lie sealed a bad deal.

In my stupid head, I thought I would get free from her when we were a couple years older, and I would finally live a free man’s life, meet some really hot women and later meet the true love of my life. That plan didn’t work. Now what should I do?

— Clock Ticking, Birds Hill

Dear Ticking: Well, count your positives here: You’re back at that “find-the-right-one” stage with more wisdom than most have.

Build on that wisdom and life experience by getting some counselling to help you identify what you really want in a new adult relationship, beyond “really hot women.”

If you don’t, you may end up hastily picking another incompatible mate just because you’re used to having a partner and are feeling too lonely.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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