Betrayal comes down to dishonesty, not sexuality

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This article was published 27/02/2025 (562 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m hurting because my girlfriend was due to graduate with her degree and come home this spring, but has just told me she’s decided to stay in British Columbia because she likes the climate better. What crap.

I took a deep breath and said, “What’s the new guy’s name?” There was a long silence and then she said, “It isn’t a guy. It’s a woman — my roommate — and I’m in love with her.”

Then I couldn’t speak at all. I hung up and lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling until the sun started coming up. I was crushed and in shock.

Then I phoned her older sister. I asked her if it’s true my girlfriend has a woman for a lover. (I actually choked on that last word.) She said it was true, but she hadn’t met her yet.

I asked if she ever had girlfriends before and her sister said she had — obviously before me — but said I should ask my girlfriend myself.

I then sent a hurt and angry email to my now-ex-girlfriend, but I haven’t heard a word back.

I wrote her, “How long have I been sitting here waiting like a fool for you to come home when you were in bed making love with some woman?” Please help me.

— Gutted, Winnipeg

Dear Gutted: Yes, your ex has come out as bisexual. Be aware it wasn’t anything that you caused. In fact, as her sister said, she had a relationship with a woman before she started dating you. It’s too bad she didn’t reveal this earlier.

It’s pointless blaming anybody for their sexuality, but you can blame them for their dishonesty. If you had known sooner your girlfriend had a new lover, you would have been working on getting over the relationship and possibly seeking counselling to get over the shock and loss.

See your physician for help ASAP, and possibly for a prescription to help you with your emotions if you’re having trouble functioning.

You might also ask your doctor for help in getting an appointment with a psychiatrist (covered by provincial health) who could help you get over the hurt and anger you’re experiencing.

If the wait for a psychiatrist is too long, you can also make your own appointment with a psychologist, who will charge a fee. Your physician will be able to recommend a few to you.

As for recovering on your own, make a list of healthy activities you can take part in with friends to keep yourself too busy to dwell on what’s happened.

Lying around, thinking too much and getting angry and upset all over again will only slow down your recovery.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 15 and I just started seeing this guy I’ve had a crush on for two years. I watched him from afar.

I finally just started dating him and he told me he thinks girls’ monthly periods are disgusting. What could I say? I’m a normal girl and I have them.

I felt embarrassed and insulted. I felt like hitting back with a remark about boys’ erections, but I didn’t.

It got uncomfortably quiet for about 20 minutes and then I finally said, “It’s a good thing we’re just going to be friends.” He looked startled. Then I told him I was going home, booked a ride and went out the door. Did I handle this right?

— Unsure, Winnipeg

Dear Unsure: This guy turned out to be immature and rude, and you’re well rid of him. Learn from this experience to casually befriend guys you find attractive before you waste a lot of time. Some good-looking guys can be real duds when they start speaking and offering opinions.

So get to know them first as you want them to feel comfortable expressing themselves freely on all kinds of topics. They will show you who they really are inside, and that will save you a lot of time.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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