Family fantasy with ex-mate simply not realistic

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This article was published 26/11/2024 (674 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ran into my old red-haired love at the grocery store recently. He could hardly wait to tell me he has two kids now. Ouch. A shot to my gut. I’m not able to have children.

Tears immediately came into my eyes, picturing the little carrot-topped kids I always wanted to have with him. Still, he proceeded to pull out the baby photos and show them to me.

I looked at them for a bit, then I dumped my groceries on the check-out counter and ran out of the store crying. Store security ran after me and asked if the guy in line did something to upset me.

I said it was nothing, then jumped in my car and raced home to bawl my eyes out.

About an hour later, my ex pulled up at my place and was knocking at my door to apologize. He realized way too late he was upsetting me by being so insensitive on the children issue.

Plus it turns out things aren’t going so well with his wife. In fact, they’re on the brink of a split.

It was too much to take it all in right then, so I asked him to leave. But that night, my head started spinning and in my dreams I imagined him breaking up with the kids’ mother and us getting back together. He would still have his children part-time so that would give me everything I wanted — him and his children.

What do you think? Could this be a little miracle and I’ll be second-time lucky, or just a fool?

— Second-Time Lucky? Windsor Park

Dear Second-Time Lucky: Your ex was insensitive in showing you his kids’ baby photos. He certainly was not thinking of your inability to bear children and what you two went through over that, including the big breakup.

But it’s just as cool and insensitive for you to quickly move the chess pieces around in your head and find a practical solution to you wanting his children but not giving birth to them.

Since your breakup, he met and married another woman and they’re still together — even if they have hit a rough patch. It could very well be temporary. They may be more deeply connected and in love than he’s showing right now.

So take time to cool off on this idea. It’s your imagined solution to the huge and painful problem you two once had. But where is the mutual love now that would support this fantasy after many years apart?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was standing on the street corner waiting for a bus to go downtown when an old buddy of mine stopped and yelled to get in and he would drive me wherever I wanted to go.

So I jumped into his truck, which was full of smoke and had the music blaring. The guy was high as a kite. In fact, he was so happily yapping away at me he missed the corner where I needed to get out, at my work. I bailed out at the next light, feeling annoyed.

Now he has started calling me and wanting to hang out. He’s well-educated but doesn’t have a job right now.

He called at midnight last night — very upset — and said he didn’t quite have enough money to pay the rent. He finished by asking if I had any work he could do to make some money. I heard the life-or-death desperation and it just came out of me — a blind “yes.”

He was at my house at 7 a.m., and did a full day of yard work and garage cleanup for me and he was totally sober. He did a great job and had the music blaring all day long.

I have more jobs I can pay him to do for me but then what? Have I gone too far in helping him? Will he become dependent on me and not look for other work?

— Hesitant Old Buddy, Silver Heights

Dear Hesitant: If you doubt your old pal’s character, think back on how fast he picked you up at the bus stop and drove you all the way to work. Note that he eagerly came to do the odd jobs at your place — straight, sober and ready for a day of hard work.

Let him keep doing odd jobs at your house and if he continues to do good work, recommend him to other friends and neighbours. Lend him yard tools to use, if he needs, at least until he’s on his feet. Also, help him make up a flyer detailing what types of work he can do for people.

Giving an old friend a boost will make you feel good inside and make your desperate old friend feel cared about. At the least, help him earn enough for a couple of months of rent and food, and be a reference to help him get more work and truly become independent again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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