Folks’ miserable marriage shouldn’t be benchmark

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This article was published 23/04/2024 (872 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: For the longest time I accepted my partner’s lack of desire for a marriage commitment due to his parents’ ongoing miserable marriage. Their quibbling drags on and on.

But it’s not fair for him to compare us to them. My man and I are very different. We love our work, sports and each other. My sweetie just doesn’t want to actually get married — making the mistake of ”doing the stupid ring thing.”

He’s scared we will go from happy to miserable like his mom and dad who are “chained to each other.” So he won’t marry me! I want to be happily married after the eight happy years I’ve had with this man. Also, I want kids who share our name, before it’s too late.

Bottom line for me? I’m getting sick of paying the price for my would-be inlaws’ unhappy marriage. Please help!

— Feeling Sad and Hopeless, Westwood

Dear Sad: Tell your boyfriend you’ll be happy to give a marriage to him with a “freedom-back guarantee.” You’ll promise to let go of him with no hassle if things truly don’t work out. Plus, the door will be wide open during the marriage, with no long-term recriminations, if either of you isn’t happy and wants to go.

This sounds casual, but casual is the key that will open your beloved’s stuck door. He can’t bear the thought of being part of another “marriage jail” experience, like his folks are living.

He doesn’t know what a happy marriage experience might be like, so as a last-ditch effort make a list of all the things happily married people do. Start with travelling on big trips, throwing birthday parties to honour each other, and committing to more pets and kids.

Couples who are happily invested in one another do some of these big things and their marriages are fun adventures — on top of their job and home responsibilities.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I felt bad and returned something I stole. I thought the computer tool’s owner would be happy to get the item back and say he was glad I had the guts to own up. Instead, he keeps wanting to know why I stole it in the first place and if I have something against him. I don’t! It was just a temptation I couldn’t resist at the time.

What more does he want from me? Should I ask him, or will that only make things worse? I’m thinking I need to end the friendship, now that he’s making things so complicated. Help!

— Tired of This Guy, West End

Dear Tired: This friend keeps asking you all these questions because he doesn’t quite trust you yet, though he wants to. Was it a mistake to return his tool? Not at all. Will the guy ever really trust you? Maybe, but he will still have nagging questions in his mind about what allowed you to do this in the first place. Consider tapering off this friendship now and keeping your distance, so neither of you feels uncomfortable anymore.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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