Real attraction goes deeper than physicality

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/04/2024 (823 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve had several near-miss love-at-first-sight relationships where I fell in love big time, right away. Then I fell out of love, as soon as the other person started to catch up to me emotionally. I would feel sick when they started talking about a future.

Friends tell me I was experiencing “lust at first sight,” but I swear it wasn’t. It would get emotional, and then I’d bolt. Now, suddenly, I have part of a clue to the mystery.

I saw all my recent loves together in a dream. All three were lined up — and all the men had different shades of blonde hair. I’d never made the connection before. My blonde father — who was known for his almost-white hair — died, when I was seven.

Is there really such a thing as love at first sight, or am I just missing my dead father? It makes me feel very sad to think this.

— Trying to Replace Dad? St. Boniface

Dear Trying: Many people are captivated by similar-looking people to the ones they have loved and lost. If they go with the physical attraction, they often discover the next person isn’t all the wonderful things they’d hoped to recapture.

You have gone from one blonde man to another, long after your fair-haired father died. Consider going to a psychologist to talk about letting go of that physical association when looking for a good man. Instead, you might identify the best points of your dad’s personality, and hunt for them instead.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I live in a large old house with three generations of my Italian family. I’m comfortable with this arrangement, as I‘m very close to my parents and grand-parents. They are pressuring me now, because I am getting older — almost 30 — and they want grandchildren.

I’m not even sure if it’s a man I want — possibly it’s a woman. I’ve had secret relationships with both. How do I get my family off my back? They can really be annoying, of late.

— Tired of Constant Hinting, West End

Dear Tired of the Hinting: You’re undecided about what you want in your future — and blaming it on the older generations. It’s high time you moved out of the house, which proves to be a comfortable trap.

Having your own little place would give you space to have a grown-up social life and possibly figure out what you’re looking for — both sexually and love-wise. You could still visit the parents and grandparents and enjoy their company, but you should moving on with your life, as you seem to desire.

As for creating your own family, straight couples may be able to do that more easily, but lesbian couples can have children in several different ways, so you wouldn’t necessarily have to deprive your old-fashioned family of grandchildren and heirs.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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