Help new mom practically; disregard grapevine

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/04/2024 (824 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My friend insists she and her husband are happy, although they’ve had almost no sex since the birth of their baby three months ago. None! She says they both like it that way — it’s very relaxed. They just had their first child, which is what they both wanted so much, and it was a difficult birth.

I happen to know, via another friend, that the new mom’s husband has a flirtation going on with an acquaintance of mine, as we all work together. I don’t know if it’s gotten to private meetings and sex or if it’s just flirting at work.

Is it my duty as a close friend of the wife to tell her what I’ve heard or to hint to her husband that his flirting is not going to be kept secret for long?

— Concerned for New Mama, River Heights

Dear Concerned: Be careful. A few months past a baby’s birth isn’t much, and friends shouldn’t be betting on negative consequences for the new mom and dad’s marriage. You don’t know the intimate details of the relationship your friend has with her husband, nor do you know the entire medical situation.

After a tough birth, sex can be physically difficult and painful for several months. So, when this “friend” tries to tell you gossip about the husband, shut her down nicely by saying “We don’t know what’s going on for sure, so let’s give everybody the benefit of the doubt for now.”

She won’t like this response, but stick to it and be a kind, supportive friend to the new mother. You might help the marriage out in a subtle way by offering to babysit the little one, so the new parents can go out for dinner together or catch a movie. Kindnesses like this are very helpful to new parents — much appreciated and long remembered.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How can I deal with my wife’s ex-husband who is always finding excuses to call her about the teenage kids they share? The idiot tries to keep her on the phone, laughing and kibitzing together as if they’re getting close again.

Last night I lost it. I grabbed the phone from my wife and just hung it up in the middle of their conversation. That jerk kept calling back, and I finally roared at my wife, “Don’t answer your phone.”

Today, she told me I have no right to forbid her to talk to anyone she wants, and called me pathetically old-fashioned. She said she won’t put up with it. What’s your opinion?

— Not a Fool, North Kildonan

Dear Not a Fool: You have every right to say how you feel, such as, “I feel hurt and disrespected when you have extended phone calls with your ex-husband. You and I are the ones who are married now.” That states your case without actually forbidding your wife to talk to this man, who is still the father of her children.

It’s tough to be liberal about this, but it’s part of our freer society. In the end, your wife will probably resort to talking to her ex-husband when you’re not around, which may not be the perfect situation, but at least it will relieve some of the tension if your wife understands how it makes you feel.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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