Don’t neglect your own mental health during crisis

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This article was published 02/03/2024 (941 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: After 20 years of marriage, I feel like a broken man. I married the love of my life, or thought I did. Though she always had issues with her mental health, it was sporadic — sometimes it would be difficult for a year or two, and then things would be fine for a while.

The last three years have been absolutely terrible — the worst it’s ever been. My wife refuses to take her meds and puts me through absolute hell. I want to leave her, but a part of me feels guilty because I would be abandoning her.

I need to be happy again. I don’t want to be stuck living with someone who is mean to me.

I can’t take it anymore, and yet, on some level, I know she can’t help it and won’t be able to take care of herself. Still, I am ready to run. Help.

— Guilt and Shame, Transcona

Dear Guilt and Shame: No one should force themselves to continue to live with cruel treatment from their mate. You’re at the 20-year-mark of periodic abuse and it’s definitely time to start looking after yourself before you come undone mentally.

Oddly, if you seriously say you’re going to leave, you may find your wife has enough of a grip on herself to start taking her meds again and stop abusing you so badly.

However, you know her pattern, and you’ll constantly be waiting for the axe to fall.

Before you make any big moves, you need private sessions with a psychologist or psychiatrist to unload everything from this two-decade roller-coaster ride. Hopefully, your workplace insurance offers coverage to pay for part or all of this.

Do not share these sessions with your wife out of guilt. You need to finally pour out how you have been suffering — the past and present hurts and abuse, and the strong emotions whirling inside your head now.

With professional help you can explore the different paths out and what you need to do, step-by-step, to get you and your wife into two different living situations.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Has “Shocked Mom” in Transcona been living in a bubble for the past 19 years? She wrote that she was upset about her lesbian daughter’s wedding, and the effect it will have on “poor dad” (him missing the traditional walk down the aisle). Maybe somebody should tell her same-sex marriage has been legal in Manitoba since 2005 and her daughter can still walk down the aisle on her daddy’s arm to marry the person she loves.

Mom also needs to give her head a shake and stop thinking in terms of “shock and devastation” in reference to her husband’s mind. Her daughter’s sexuality and gender orientation is hardly a cause for alarm and it’s a whole lot more normal than mom wants to believe it is.

LGBTTQ+ folks live perfectly normal lives and can be found in every stratum of society, in every profession and trade. Maybe mom, dad and daughter should contact Rainbow Resource Centre to get some factual information.

Yes, there are still bigots and ignoramuses who are willing to demonize a person for his/her/their gender identity or sexual orientation, but thankfully their numbers are decreasing as more people realize other people’s identities and sex lives are nobody’s business but their own.

Time for mom (and dad) to move on from the 1950s and live in the present reality.

— Not-Shocked Mother of a Gay Son, Winnipeg

Dear Not Shocked Mother: Society can change in significant ways, and yet some people like Shocked Mom, still plug their ears, shut their eyes and continue to live in the past. She could certainly benefit from accessing the Rainbow Resource Centre, now located at 545 Broadway. It’s a warm and helpful place for anyone looking for factual information, counselling and discussion groups.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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