Chalk tropical tryst up as the fleeting fling it was

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This article was published 22/01/2024 (971 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a wonderful guy in Mexico when I was on holiday before Christmas and I’m missing him so much. When I called him and told him he should come up to Canada to visit me, he made a joke about the “ice weather.” Then he said he couldn’t leave in the middle of tourist season.

I knew that’s what the answer would be, but I asked him why. He said that some people call him a skirt chaser. I burst out laughing. (He’s a funny guy.) I asked seriously what he does when tourist season is over, and he told me he is a builder who has to fix a lot of things around his house.

I still couldn’t let it go, so I took a big breath and asked how many children he had, and he said two, but he had another one on the way.

Finally, I asked the big question: How many wives did he have? He said he didn’t have any wives, then made a quick excuse and said goodbye.

Still, I can’t stop wanting to get on a plane and go right back to him. Please help.

— His Lonely Tourist Girl, Winnipeg

Dear Lonely: This man probably doesn’t see too many tourist girls coming back twice in one season, so he felt he could afford to be honest (and funny) with you on the phone. The only way a relationship would work with this guy is if you were “just friends,” but that’s not what you want, is it?

He may be handsome and nicely-dressed, but also strapped financially and really needing the perks that go with squiring a lady around town in the evening, and then showing her the moon and stars late at night.

Plus, he has a new baby coming, and he will need to help with that.

Look, he may be a sweet guy, but you both don’t need the complications he has hinted at. Going back again would not be a good idea for him — or for you.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been married to a well-educated francophone guy from Alberta for a few years now. He has never pushed me to learn French, so I didn’t pursue it. I’ve always encouraged him to speak French with his family on the phone and he does. No big deal, or so I thought.

Then my older sister came to visit for a week after Christmas. She majored in languages in university and can speak several of them, with French the major one.

When my husband was gone on yet another business trip to Alberta and we were all alone, my sister asked if we had any “real liquor” in the house. Then she poured me a stiff drink and asked if I was aware of what was going on with my husband.

I asked what she was talking about, and she said he is having phone sex with women.

I told her not to be silly, since he usually talks to his family on the phone.

“Then he has one strange, incestuous family,” she said.

It turns out my sister had slept in the spare bedroom beside my husband’s home office and couldn’t get much sleep. She could hear my husband on the phone sometimes with the speaker on loud enough to also hear the women. He was on the phone for hours — teasing, saying shocking things, and having full-on phone sex with someone he seemed to be in love with. She translated what she’d heard in detail, even though it made me sick.

When my husband came home, my sister was gone and it was the third world war. He told me he was tired of “living in English” and he missed his old life and the French-speaking people he loved.

He said he was sorry I had to find out that way, but we both needed to move on. His parting shot was I should “look for some boring English guy.”

I love my husband so much. I thought it was so romantic that he would murmur French words when we made love. Is it all over now, or should I follow him and try to reason with him? He’s in Alberta looking for a job right now — staying near his family, probably with his French-speaking girlfriend.

What can I do, or is it hopeless and too late? What’s his big deal over languages? He can speak English perfectly well and we can communicate just fine.

— Rejected, Fort Richmond

Dear Rejected: You didn’t get much involved in your husband’s culture and language. He wasn’t the type to push and went behind your back, getting re-involved in secret with French-speaking women.

It takes a lot of energy to live one’s life in a second language, and people often feel less intelligent, much less poetic and not very romantic.

It’s quite possible the more your husband missed his culture and language, the less love he felt for his English-speaking wife. When he got caught fooling around, it may have been the excuse he needed to leave.

As to whether you should follow him, what would you do? Where would you stay? Your best bet is to keep talking to him by phone and see if you can work anything out.

If you find it’s too late — perhaps he already has a serious new relationship going on — then it’s time to consult a divorce lawyer.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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