Embrace variation as the spice of married life

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This article was published 25/01/2024 (630 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I can’t understand why so many people who love each other think it’s necessary they get along, have the same tastes and agree on everything.

I can’t stand hearing couples say, “Yes dear, whatever you say, dear.” They aren’t even listening to each other. My wife and I do listen to each other. Then we laugh and say, “Well, there’s one more thing we don’t agree on.”

We don’t bother trying to work out mutual agreements anymore — it’s a waste of time. We are total opposites. For instance, we have different political views, so we always vote against each other. We also enjoy completely different kinds of holidays, vehicles, sports and music. I’m not crazy about her boring relatives and she looks askance at my crazy ones.

The only thing we do agree on is that we love each other. We also have the best sex, and sometimes we even have it in the middle of a fight that’s never going to be resolved in this lifetime. When it gets to the boiling point in those arguments, one of us just says, “Come here, you.”

We’re never going to agree on much in this life, but we’re fascinated by our differences. If she died, I wouldn’t lie down and die without her, but I would miss her terribly. Once I got past the mourning stage, I would like to think I’d go out and try to find another feisty character just like her.

— Embrace Differences, Windsor Park

Dear Embrace Differences: The “dynamic duo” type of relationship you two enjoy requires robust and healthy egos. It works best without kids or anyone else living under the same roof. Then you can argue and play-fight, tease each other and have sex whenever you want. You can also ignore each other and pursue your different interests.

Most couples don’t have that kind of freedom — and probably wouldn’t want it. They want agreement, which you would find boring.

Still, it might be good if more couples would encourage their mates’ differences. Sameness is comfortable, but the amiable friction you enjoy can ignite bigger sparks, especially if you argue in good fun.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m 13 and came home from school recently because I was feeling sick. I called my mom and told her. When I got home and opened the door, I heard funny noises.

I went in and investigated. It turned out to be my older brother and his girlfriend on the living room rug doing something that they shouldn’t be. I ran back out and called my mom again to tell her why I couldn’t stay inside the house. She works four blocks away, so she got home fast. I waited outside while she went in — and there was a lot of shouting.

Now my brother is not talking to me at all, and it’s awful. I’m not exactly sorry though because I may have saved him from getting his girlfriend pregnant. What can I do? I care about him.

— Missing My Brother, South Winnipeg

Dear Missing Brother: You needed to go into the house because you were sick, plus it was freezing outside. Write your brother a message and tell him that. You can also tell him that while he may be angry with you, he was really taking chances having sex with his girlfriend like that, no matter what protection they were using.

Don’t expect a response right away, and don’t beg for his forgiveness. Your brother won’t be in any hurry to say thank you, but he will probably feel less anger towards you once he gets your note and thinks about it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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