Parents’ predilections leave kids floundering

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This article was published 20/12/2023 (1007 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My brother and I have known for years that Dad “plays around.” At this point we hardly blame him. Why? Our mother is a well-known professional, but more impactful on our lives is the fact she’s an after-dinner alcoholic who falls into bed in her private bedroom upstairs after supper. She passes out in front of her TV before 9 p.m. every night!

If Dad doesn’t go out to see a “friend,” he watches TV and sleeps in his bedroom in the basement. Our parents manage to avoid each other most days and nights.

Our parents earn a lot between the two of them, so we’re not suffering. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t “poor” in the ways that count to me.

I’m the oldest girl and feel like the parent around here. What I don’t have is any plan for my life, past this circus. Nobody talks about my future. I’m smart and get really good marks, and l’ll be graduating high school this spring, with four younger siblings coming up after me.

I just want to escape and go to university in another city, but who would look after the younger kids when I’m gone? Nobody! Please help.

— Caught in a Trap, Winnipeg

Dear Caught: As you finish high school, it’s necessary to free yourself from being the substitute mother who isn’t able leave home to build her own life. The first step is to get counselling at school, where you can actually speak about your life in confidence and get some adult help.

Make lists before you go in, noting all the things you do as daily work at home, the colleges and universities that interest you, and one detailing the things that hurt you in your family and personal life.

For more help, do you have any grandparents or close aunts or uncles nearby who might support you emotionally if they knew what was going on? Your school counsellors will have a number of personal supports to suggest and will help you access them. One such support could be Al-Anon, for family and friends of alcoholics, which you can contact yourself (mb.al-anon.alateen.org).

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lost my temper when I was out with my new girlfriend. I yelled, and she thought I was going to hit her, so she got right out of my car at a light and ran away.

She’s crazy! I would never hit her. OK, I admit I have hit a girlfriend before, and that’s probably where she got the idea I was going to do it to her, but I’d never do that again, I swear! How can I get her to listen to me and get her back? I really love her.

— Never Hitting Anyone Again, St. James

Dear Never Hitting Again: The tone of your voice was threatening, though you didn’t hear it that way. Face this fact: You must leave this young woman alone after this incident. In fact, take a break from dating anyone until you get your reactions and anger under control. You may need coaching from a counsellor or psychologist on how to change your thoughts and decrease your angry reactions.

You’ll also need to disavow the idea people sometimes “deserve” a little yelling. That’s hard to do when people have been violent towards you, and have said you “deserved” worse.

Yelling may seem like nothing to you, but it’s hurtful and feels like real violence to the one you’re roaring at. Plus, they can recall it and play it back in their heads. Not good!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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