Don’t waste any time and energy on selfish lovers

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/08/2023 (1091 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m 19, but mature for my age. I started dating at 15 and had my first love relationship at 17. I loved sex with my first guy, and we tried out everything we could. Sadly, we broke up. But then, we were both free again to date and experiment.

My older sister taught me that smart girls don’t openly share sexual details of their relationships, and they don’t bring out all their “moves” at first. Ironically, my new boyfriend, who doesn’t know me very well yet, has accused me of not being sexually adventurous!

He proceeded to tell me what all I should be doing to make him sexually happy, and he revealed himself to be a totally a selfish lover. He’d given no thought to ways to turn me on, so I’d want to have great sex with him. He didn’t even think to ask if his initial performances have been good for me. No, they sure haven’t!

His rude sex advice for me started with, “The things you should be doing for me are blah-blah-blah.” What a desire-killer! He also said, “My old girlfriend used to do such-and-such.” His “advice” turned me off completely. He keeps calling to ask what went wrong. Should I even tell him?

— So Tempted, St. Vital

Dear Tempted: As an experienced young woman, why would you waste your time teaching him anything? The only way this kind of conversation on sexual technique could be worth anybody’s time, is if you really like each other, and want to make the relationship work — but you don’t! You were only attracted to his looks and are not smitten. Forget him, and get out of his way — so he can find a new trainee!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a single guy in my 40s, and tired of being the guy everybody treats like a big teddy bear. I’m on a great diet and losing weight steadily and it turns out there was a decent-looking guy underneath this weight, and it’s me. What a surprise! My fat red face is gone, and I’ve got a nice haircut for my curly mane. I look pretty good!

But now, my body is also coming alive. The problem is, I’ve always been crazy about my best friend’s girlfriend, and it’s gotten worse. She’s a hairstylist — the one who cut my hair. I don’t think she had ever thought of me as anything but a friend, but now, she’s been taking me out to buy new clothes and I’ve become her project.

Trouble is, I dream about being with her in every way! I don’t know what to do. Should I distance myself, and possibly hurt her feelings, not to mention my own? Should I confess to her what’s been happening? Help!

— Major Crush on Forbidden Woman, Windsor Park

Dear Major Crush: Rather than cut her off, tell your buddy’s woman you know she’s taken, so you’re actively looking for someone similar. Ask her if she has a relative or friend a bit like her, because you “like the brand!” It’s a goofy joke, but she’ll get the message, and appreciate the way you say you’re not going to hit on her, even though you find her attractive.

That leaves the door part-way open, should she dump your friend one day, and want to be with you. However, be fully aware he’d feel extremely hurt and betrayed by both of you, and you’d lose his friendship forever.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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