You’re stuck in neutral as ‘emergency’ third wheel

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/08/2023 (1147 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m involved in a lesbian relationship — kind of as the third wheel. I’m not part of the primary couple, who live together near me. One of them travels for work. That’s where I come in. I get invited over for dinner and a movie, when the travelling one is away. Then I go home at night.

But now, things are changing, and I don’t know where I stand. Last weekend the traveller took off for three days and nights. I was invited to stay overnight for the first time! I was startled, and without thinking I said, “Um, for what?” And she said, “To sleep! I don’t like being alone.”

I winked and said, “How un-alone do you want to be?” She didn’t answer, and I finally went home to sulk.

I really care about this woman in the relationship, in every way possible! Please answer my question honestly: Do you think I’m just being used as the third wheel?

— Feeling Rejected, Tuxedo

Dear Feeling Rejected: You’re not the third wheel. You’ve pretty much been told you’re the “doughnut wheel” — a fill-in friendship role, to keep the primary relationship running smoothly. Allow yourself to see the limitations and stop wasting your precious time. You’d be better to look for a partner who clearly desires you back, values you and wants a full relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out our daughter is coming back into our life and I don’t know what to do. She left us a long time ago and married a guy we didn’t approve of. He’s a hard drinker, with a history of violence. We were hoping she wouldn’t go through with it, but she did. She disowned us for refusing to come to their tiny wedding.

I stayed home and cried for her on that day. True to form he kept on drinking, never kept a job and has treated her like his cash cow ever since. He also told her he “wouldn’t tolerate having spoiled brats,” so no family happened. She had to cater to him and only him.

Worst of all, he’s become violent with her. Now she’s begging to come back and live with us.

I realize she needs protection from him and the violence, and I do want my daughter back in my life. But I’m afraid he’ll come here when he’s drunk, and God knows what will happen! What can I do?

— Fearful Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Fearful Mom: Your daughter needs a protection order (restraining order) available by going to the provincial courthouse and making an application to a judicial justice of the peace (JJP). Once her ex has a copy of that order, it’ll be illegal for him to approach her. You should know it will clearly specify an area around the place she resides (such as your home) as an important part of the detailed plan.

If her ex shows up where he’s not allowed, the police will apprehend him. For more information about legal protection available through the courts, she can call Manitoba Justice Services at 866-484-2846. Protection orders usually last three years, although the JJP can grant a longer one if they perceive it’s needed. For more information, the 24-hour, provincewide domestic violence information/crisis line at 877-977-0007, and you can find provincial resources online: gov.mb.ca/msw/fvpp/resources.html.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my old boyfriend from high school in a store. He was with his wife, going through another checkout. He quickly jumped into my line to talk. We were having a great time, laughing out loud. Then, Wifey came over and said, “Well, who have we here?”

He said, “My old girlfriend from high school!” She said, “Funny thing — he seems to have old girlfriends all over town. We have to be going now!” And then she hauled him off. The next day I got a sweet note online from him, asking to be Facebook friends. That was fast. I think I want to accept him, but wonder if it might be a bad idea? What do you think?

— Former Girlfriend, Transcona

Dear GF: Your first reaction was to dislike your old boyfriend’s wife, but she may have a point. Your old ex lost no time finding you on Facebook to “friend” you. He may be a harmless ex or he could be a hound dog. You don’t need flirting and a rerun with this guy. He’s old history, for a reason. Try to remember it!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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