Don’t read too much into beach encounter with ex

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/07/2023 (1168 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ran into my first ex-wife on the beach and hardly recognized her. She came bouncing over in her purple bikini, and was chatting away at me. I noted she’d lost the weight she’d piled on in our marriage, and had grown her hair out long the way I liked it and bleached it again. Shades of the past! She was looking like a hot beach bunny all right — although an older one.

I was somewhat shocked to realize I had suddenly started remembering the good parts of our marriage!

Then this big guy stepped in, put out his hand and spoke one word right into my face: “Thanks!” I almost took the bait and said, “For what?” but caught myself. He put his arm possessively around my ex’s shoulders and steered her away to their blanket.

Since then, I’ve been daydreaming about getting her back, just to stick it to him! Immature, I know. So tell me this: Why did she come over to talk to me like that, and pour on the old charm with her boyfriend right there?

— Her Ex-Husband, Norwood

Dear Her Ex: It’s not surprising your ex wanted to show off her beautiful new look, so you’d be forced to replace your shabby old memories of her. Plus, it’s natural to want to say hello to exes because, for better or worse, we want to see how they made out after we departed.

Her new boyfriend felt jealous and possessive when he had a look at you two chatting — so bonus points go to you in the “Exes Meet-Up Game.” (And just so you know, they’re likely not a closely bonded couple from the way they were both behaving.) Still, don’t you waste another minute obsessing over a repeat relationship with your ex. You’ve already graduated from that unhappy old situation and know it really doesn’t work in the long run.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing about “Being Teased to Death’s” belief that his girlfriend gets her jollies from kicking him out into the street as soon as he’s hot-to-trot. More likely, she enjoys the idea of having a boyfriend and making out — but is too young and/or too scared to want to have actual sex.

“Teased” needs to start by using his words to discuss the issue, while he and the girlfriend are both fully clothed, and before they start making out. He could say: “Every time I go home from your place, I’m aroused and frustrated. I’d like to have sex with you. Don’t you want to have sex with me?”

If she’s of age, and says “yes, I do” they need to discuss birth control, prevention of sexually transmitted infections and what happens if she gets pregnant anyhow.

If she says, “Yes, but not yet,” they need to talk about what needs to happen, in order for her to get comfortable with the idea. Still, he should understand that even if they get all their ducks in a row, the girlfriend can still change her mind and say no at any time. If she doesn’t want to discuss her refusal, he needs to accept that the two of them are not on the same page at this time, and end the relationship without getting angry.

What this guy mostly needs to understand is that sexual arousal is just something the body does. It’s not something his girlfriend “does to him“ and she doesn’t “owe him relief” from his physical discomfort.

— One Who Knows, Winnipeg

Dear One: Some girls have no idea how close they are to actually having sex when they’re making out in red-hot sessions including some very serious petting. And some young women — though not all — really enjoy the power of being able to drive their guy crazy with desire for them.

Your point about having a fully-clothed discussion about “if or when” they’ll be having sex makes some sense — but discussing it on the phone might be even safer.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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