Tough to play guilt card when you broke things off

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/06/2023 (1202 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend went out with his ex when we were fighting recently. Admittedly, I broke up with him, but it was only for a couple of days, in my mind. I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I told him I was done with him. A few days later we got back together — and then I found out what he did!

He says “nothing happened,” but who knows the truth? I am so upset! Can I trust him again, now he’s back? I don’t think so.

— Hurt and Suspicious, Corydon Village

Dear Hurt and Suspicious: When you break up with someone, you both get your full dating rights back instantly. Yes, you are both free — whether you want to be or not. In fact, either of you could go see a sex buddy, an old ex or even someone you just recently met, and felt attracted to.

Bottom line? It was straight manipulation on your part, and it backfired. He was a free man for a few days, and you were the one who shoved him out the door. You did not make the agreement to “be on a break to think, but not to date other people.” You probably can’t even get him to feel guilty for that. And who can blame him?

If you want him back — and he’s willing to give it a try — you have to put that date he had behind you forever, and not dredge it up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my old girlfriend from several years ago at the zoo recently. I had been out running. She was pushing her little kid in a stroller. We laughed when we spotted each other. Then I got closer and her baby looked up at me, and I stopped laughing. Her baby had dark skin and green eyes, and looked just like me!

I asked her about her new partner, and she mumbled something or other. Then she said he was just off to get water bottles for them. She seemed nervous and suggested I’d better go, as he’d be back soon. So, I started back running down the path and I ran into a guy coming with water bottles in his hands. He was a blond guy with blue eyes.

I can’t help but wonder if that baby is my child. It’s driving me nuts! If that’s my baby, I want to help. Now what?

— Possible Father? Winnipeg

Dear Possible: Your ex-girlfriend obviously didn’t want your interference right then, but this is Manitoba and you could probably find her quickly and get in touch.

If you are “possibly” the bio-father of this child, you still need to get tested. If that’s the actual situation, you can help out financially. Let her know you’d be open to helping out with the child in other ways as well, if that’s how you truly feel.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a boyfriend who’s acting like cling wrap. He needs to be next to me at all times. Even when I’m having a bath, he’s sitting there watching me and saying stuff like, “Can I wash your back, sweetie?” Yech!

We’ve been dating for only five months. We saw each other a normal amount in the beginning, but he’s starting to feel “comfortable,” as he calls it now. That seems to mean showing up at my apartment unannounced and wanting to be next to me at all times. I don’t call that “comfortable.”

He even gets weird when I want to go out with female friends, or go see my family without asking him if he wants to come along. Is this fixable, or a flashing sign to get out now?

— Choking on Togetherness, Downtown

Dear Choking: Most people don’t want a clingy partner, unless they are needy and distrustful themselves.

It could be doesn’t believe he can trust you — his new treasure — to be out of his sight! So, obey your gut and say goodbye. Put some real distance between you and this needy fellow — platonic friendship can’t work with this type of person.

Breaking up with him and telling him your reasoning clearly may be what he needs to finally push him to examine this behaviour. That doesn’t mean you owe it to him to hang around to see if he gets over it. He’ll need to start fresh with someone new, in order to succeed.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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