You’ll move on faster if you confront heartbreak

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This article was published 12/06/2023 (1174 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend — lesbian like me — told me in a quiet moment at the lake that she’s “in love” with a younger woman. I wasn’t sure I heard her right!

It turns out she knew this woman from a previous job but thought she was too young to date at the time — but not now. My girlfriend has been talking with this woman at night, long after I’m asleep. Recently they saw each other face to face, at some regional business meetings, as they’re part of the same department.

I went silent. She said “Aren’t you going to say something?” I walked back up the pier and turned back saying, “There’s nothing to say but goodbye!”

But then I burst into a tirade and yelled at her for leading me on and backstabbing me, and then I ran into the cottage and locked it. I packed everything I could get into garbage bags and left her there with her stupid motorcycle at her parents’ old cottage.

But now that the fight is out of me, I’m suffering the loss of the best relationship I ever had. What can I do? I don’t want to cry on my friends’ shoulders. I must confess, I’m not particularly outgoing. I fear I’ll fade away being all by myself in my hot apartment this summer.

— Buried in Self-Pity, northern Manitoba

Dear Buried: If you give into the pain of rejection and grieve rigorously enough, you will resurface faster. You need to let your best friends, siblings and cousins in. Get the pain out with the help of people who are prepared to listen to you weep and wail.

So, take that deep dive into self-pity… and then come up for some counselling. Parents may feel awkward about their older kids’ breakups but they will sometimes offer to pay for counselling to help you over your heartbreak. Don’t refuse that help if it’s offered, as insights into your personality and how the relationship went wrong can be helpful for the rest of your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a young man with a big heart, while teaching in another country. He was cute all right, but too young for me, romantically. Before I left, he said he “really trusted me” and he wanted me to help him move to Canada.

Now that I’m back home, he keeps contacting me. It has come out he and his family would like to be sponsored to Canada by me! This is too big a project for me and I don’t have the money anyway.

I don’t feel like he’s trying to use me in any bad way. He just needs to help his family and himself, and he’s quite the little hustler. My taking on helping his whole family, would be too heavy a load. He thinks all Canadians are rich!

What should I do? I hate to be cold and mean, but I am just a single woman with a job, and no savings. This is just too much monetarily and in every other way.

— Feeling Cornered and Guilty, East Kildonan

Dear Feeling Cornered and Guilty: It’s good this guy’s a persistent hustler as he will find someone to help, though not you. He’s probably looking for someone new already to help get himself and his family living in another country. No doubt he’ll keep you on the back burner too. Just let him know definitively that you’re very sorry but you simply cannot help him. This way he doesn’t have to waste any more time and energy on you, and you can stop feeling guilty.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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