Be open with son about his grandma’s alcoholism

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/06/2023 (1165 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I love my mom, but she’s an alcoholic and every big family meal is a chance to “celebrate” by drinking too much as she’s cooking. She’s great until dessert is served, but then she goes to the bedroom “for a lie-down” and passes out for the whole night. She doesn’t get up and the kids keep asking, “Where’s Grandma?” or “Is Grandma sick?”

I don’t try to fix her anymore, and my dad gave up trying long ago.

Last weekend, our young teenage son made a crack about Grandma “passing out at Sunday dinners” in front of his grandfather and all of us, and then stomped out and walked all the way home. He’s hardly speaking.

How should I handle this this? Having us over for dinner is Mom’s excuse to drink like she used to, but otherwise Dad says she’s “better than she was,” and he has to live with her. Should I ignore this situation for my dad’s sake? My son is not sorry and is still angry.

— His Grandmother’s Embarrassed Son, St. Vital

Dear Embarrassed: Your son is your first priority. The time has come to talk openly with him about the history of his grandmother’s alcoholism and how it has affected different people, including his grandpa, you and his aunts and uncles. He’s old enough to know the situation, and he needs your strong support in dealing with this issue.

Then talk to your mother frankly about her grandson’s comment on her “passing out at family dinners.” Tell her you support him — and won’t let him go through that anymore. You might suggest avoiding the problem in the future by planning to meet at restaurants for weekend breakfasts.

Also tell your mom she’s welcome at your house for booze-free dinners, as long as she’s sober and brings no alcohol. Let her know you’ll understand if she has to leave shortly after dinner. Yes, she may be leaving to go home and have a drink, but it won’t affect you, your wife and your kids anymore.

Being open with your mom could even get a conversation started about addressing her drinking in general, especially if she sees how her addiction is negatively impacting the bond with her grandchildren.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m broken-hearted because my boyfriend has left me to be “free again.” He swears there’s no other woman, but if he goes back to his old pattern, there will be many! Do I sound bitter? I am. I thought I’d won his heart, and he was a changed man. In our first months, this gorgeous, romantic guy shocked me by hinting at marriage and children, saying things like, “We’d make beautiful babies together.” We were always making love!

Then, at exactly three months (we met on Valentine’s Day) he took me out for a beautiful dinner at The Forks. We went for a walk by the river afterwards, and I thought he was going to propose. We stopped under a tree to kiss, and then he took both my hands and said he had “something very sad” to tell me. I panicked! Maybe he was seriously ill. But then he told me he realized he was “not cut out to be a husband” and added: “You deserve a man — one who will love you forever.”

That did it. I broke down and started sobbing loudly, crying out, “I thought you loved me! I thought you wanted me forever!” He grabbed my hand and rushed me to the car.

I asked him what happened to his great love? His answer? “I did love you at first, but that feeling has faded.” I’m literally sick with pain. Was it ever love or was he just using me the whole time?

— Loved and Left in Pain, St. Boniface

Dear Loved and Left: The kind of “love” this man was first experiencing was probably inspired by the strong sexual compatibility, but when that initial infatuation faded, he just wanted his freedom back. But what should he do with you, who were so in love with him? Plus, he’d actually hinted at marriage and kids. At least he came clean.

Be glad he broke it off, because he’d have made for a husband you couldn’t trust and the marriage wouldn’t have lasted. Worse still, if you’d have ended up having children, you still would have had to see his handsome face regularly, while picking up the children you shared.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography