You really need a fresh romantic start

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex-husband moved back from Alberta a changed man. He got the professional help he needed for his alcohol problem, and lost the beer gut and red face. I confess I used to overfeed him, to try to keep him from drinking.

He looks really good again — tall, fit, hot and just the like the guy I met in university. But then, as he used to tell people when he was drunk and whiny, I drove him to drink. That still makes me mad! But, as part of his sobriety and recovery plan, he sent me a letter absolving me of any guilt he’d laid on me for his drinking. My first reaction to his letter was to roll my eyes and mutter, “Yeah, yeah — they probably made you write that to me in recovery.”

The thing is, I loved the early him, the fun guy — fit, athletic, kind to me, sexy — and now I’ve seen the most recent photos of him online, and he looks so hot. I’m making myself crazy now. But I’m also worried he’ll win me back to prove he can, and then when I’m feeling safe and secure, he’ll drop me on my head.

He’s not a cruel man, but he has lots to be angry for, considering our break-up and all the things I said to make him feel totally low and completely to blame. He confessed to me that he told people in recovery that I used to “kick him when he was down.”

I learned in my own recent personal therapy that I was so scared from my parents’ abusive relationship and bitter divorce that I somehow combined their horrors with the ones in my own marriage. I made myself try to hate marriage as an institution.

So, where do we go from here? Should I give him another chance, or do I back right off now, before I end up devastated again? I’m feeling ill, just thinking about it.

— Worried Ex-Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Worried: Some people with histories like yours need to start a totally new romantic relationship, and limit things to a distant friendship with an ex-partner. Consider a brand new person who may be a bit like your ex-husband at his sober best.

Let your new love enjoy the role of being a good husband to a woman who really appreciates it, and then you can just relax like you never have before!

Dear Lonelyhearts: My husband has a new co-worker who just moved here from out of town and he was feeling so sorry for her that he asked if I would befriend her.

So, I had her come over with him for dinner after work the other day. Whoa! I could see the sparkles in her eyes as she made little jokes and glanced over at him repeatedly. That’s how I used to flirt with him, way-back-when. My jokes are old news to him now!

I don’t want to have her over again, and I told him frankly that I won’t become her close friend, no matter how lonely she may be. He looked annoyed, like he thought I was being cruel. Was that a mistake?

If I’m cold to her and she’s lonely, will she end up begging him to go out for drinks with her alone, or ask him to come over after work to fix something, have a drink and then who knows what? Then it’d just be the two of them together! Did I just put myself in danger? Help!

— Nervous Wife, Downtown

Dear Nervous: Now that you’ve noticed the joking and flirting between your husband and his new female work friend, it’s actually good that you mentioned it to him. You can’t control what goes on at work, but he knows now that you’re onto the signals this new woman is sending him and that he should cool things off with her.

Enough is enough! You certainly don’t need to invite her over again to the home you share with your husband. She’s flirting with him, so don’t feel guilty.

What you really need to do is amp up the warmth, friendship, humour and romance in your relationship with your husband. Just don’t mention you’re doing it on purpose. In any case, he’ll probably figure it out eventually. If he mentions it, don’t do anything but smile.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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