Living a lie takes a toll on whole family

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is no longer my life partner! To my mind, she’s just the mother of my children. She still lives with us and does the major part of the child care.

This summer she discovered I had a girlfriend, but she didn’t want to “break up our family,” as I earn a lot of money. Now she’s treating me like garbage. She’s pleasant to the kids and our cleaning help, but she doesn’t speak much to me, and is disposed to giving me lists for groceries and medication pickups via email, so I pay for almost everything.

The kids seem fine so far, because we haven’t broken up our family and we haven’t changed how we treat each other in front of them. We’re polite and we never fight.

Then just last weekend, my wife finally let me know she’d recently met someone she’s “seeing privately.” It’s a guy we both know from a sports activity the kids enjoy. That just makes me sick — and is upsetting me far more than breaking up.

I must admit the kids seem to know something about this guy, but are fine so far. There’s probably a split-up in the offing, and then all hell will break loose! Please tell me what to do. I’m pulling my hair out already.

— Feeling Sick, Royalwood

Dear Feeling Sick: Big problems are arising from the pressures of trying to live a lie. That’s enough to make anybody feel ill. Every day you’re faking a marriage and a real family, while both you and your wife are having affairs.

At least with your wife now seeing someone else you have some understanding of how she’s been feeling knowing about your affair!

You might be amazed at how much the older kids already know. Be aware, the child who takes the longest to get to sleep at night usually holds the most painful information, and it’s not necessarily the oldest child.

It’s definitely time to take action and get some important things out in the open. A quiet home isn’t necessarily a peaceful one, and it teaches kids to engage in secrecy and dishonesty, instead of facing problems openly and trying to work out solutions.

It’s time to take yourself and hopefully your wife, to emergency counselling to get the whole truth out and finally make a courageous new plan for you two and the whole family. Living a false life just messes everybody up — both parents and kids — and you all deserve much better.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Now that summer is over, my restless male partner (we’re gay) is insisting on selling our house. I know he’s sick and tired of me — and the gorgeous home. It’s a beautiful place on the river. It’s a choice piece of land — and really big.

I know he just wants to get his money out, now he’s determined to move on from me. I hate knowing that so much!

We made this beautiful home purchase at the height of falling in love. I know he feels bad to leave it, but he’s sure not feeling bad about leaving me. That hurts the worst! I just don’t want to be here without him. I also can’t afford to buy my partner out and end up all alone here, paying for everything. It’s a beautiful home and property. What do you think?

— So Mixed Up! Charleswood

Dear Mixed Up: It’s time for you to move on and get out of your romance-gone-wrong. You love the area, so promise yourself to buy a different smaller dwelling in the same area, as soon as you can afford it.

Then you can make it your own forever home. If someone moves in with you in the future, they can pay rent, acknowledging in writing that it’s just rent, not part of a deal to buy into the home you love and never want to lose!

If your relationship becomes very strong and committed over time, you might want to change that. But always see a lawyer to solidify any important deal you make in writing.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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