Face up to fact you blew it with ex-wife

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex-wife just moved back to town and looks like a changed woman. She spent years married to me, and our kids just graduated in a city where we once lived together. That was without help from me, other than minor financial stuff.

She has found a great new job back in Winnipeg and she’ll do very well. I admire her more than any other woman I ever met, but she’s not interested in me at all.

I once had a solid, responsible job and then got into drinking, and I cheated on her. That’s why she left town. Now I’ve been sober and sorry for many years.

I asked her last weekend if I could take her out to dinner and she said no and changed the subject.

I get the picture, but she’s still beautiful and funny to me. What can I do? What are my chances now?

— Loving Her All Over Again, Westwood

Dear All Over Again: Your best bet is to hope for a friendship with no strings attached if you even want to see your ex-wife more than once or twice a year at family events. If she perceives you’re using a renewed friendship to try to get at her heart and body again, she’ll probably shut you right down.

Sometimes divorced or separated people have to graciously accept they’ve blown it and settle for a casual friendship, for the family’s sake. Then they can both show up for the children they created together — for their celebrations and also their down times — such as helping them with health problems and finances.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I really like a guy to play hard-to-get at first. However, I’m 27, and in my nine years of dating, I find men are generally too eager to be caught. They end up boring me — unless they’re already married. Then they’re trouble but kind of interesting.

A lot of the married ones are clearly out there looking for sex, particularly at the bar. I can spot them easily. They’re often hanging out with their single male friends, have hungry eyes and are making comments to each other about women they don’t know.

I don’t want them. So, where do I find single guys who will let you chase them for bit before they reluctantly give in to a relationship and possibly falling in love? That’s what I picture, but is it just a fairy tale?

That’s my kind of guy and the kind of romance that could turn me on, permanently. But I’m a woman who’s been mistaken for simply being aggressive — a player and not really valuing a mate. I would settle down if I had a guy who was a confident winner and worth defending from other women. So, where do you find those?

— Love the Chase, Not the Players, St. Vital

Dear Love the Chase: The bar is a hard place to find a husband, unless you’re willing to spend a lot of time dating and sorting.

No doubt you’ll initially attract men who want to chase down a woman who keeps them feeling interested and challenged, like you could. But it’s exhausting to continually be taking care of the high demands of an entertaining relationship over a lifetime. A lot of your daily energy and creativity has to go into hanging onto those partners.

People who love each other and want the same things, and can get through the early years in a marriage, can often win together. It just takes perseverance to get through the tough times — and the boring ones — and many people simply can’t wait that out.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.