Times of transition can be tough to traverse

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife has really enjoyed staying home with the kids all summer, as she is a teacher and has the two months off. Last night she was tearful at bedtime because she has to go back to the classroom and “this perfect summer together is all over.”

I told her I could afford to look after us financially if she ever wanted to quit teaching and stay home, and she blew up and said, “I love to teach and our kids won’t at be home. They’ll all be at school.” Then the tears really came. Sometimes I just can’t win. What’s up with her? Please advise.

— Willing to Help, Winnipeg

Dear Willing: The same thing that’s happened to your wife, you often see with kids at this time of year — over-excitement. It’s hard on everybody when there’s too much new stuff going on and the daily schedule is totally changing from summertime.

But you are in a position to take some of the pressure off if you ask her what she’s concerned about that you could possibly give her a hand with.

She’s experiencing double pressure as a teacher and a mother, and it may be good to have more of the at-home chores and transportation tasks taken over by you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell madly for a guy working at the same beach as me this summer and he neglected to tell me he had a girlfriend in the city. You wouldn’t have guessed it, as he seemed so love-starved and never spoke of another woman back home.

He did, however, drive back to the city every second week for an overnight or two. He told me he had to go back to cut the lawn and haul in groceries for his mom — such a thoughtful guy.

I feel like such a fool now. He was running two women all summer and neither one of us found out. He always had lots of energy and a big smile on his face. No wonder. Now what?

— Taken For a Ride, Fort Rouge

Taken for a Ride: Now it’s bye-bye for good to this charmer. It’s time to stop beating yourself up. You got a great summer out of it, and next time you’ll do a bit more detective work before you take up with an out-of-town guy who’s only going to be in your life for a couple of months. They don’t always give you all the goods about their love lives under that old excuse: “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My ex-husband did me the favour of moving out of town when we broke up ­— he had a big affair going on in Vancouver. We had no children, thank goodness.

He left Winnipeg and I felt relief not to have to run into him with that new woman. Unfortunately, he just got a promotion and he’s moving back to Winnipeg with this woman, who is now his wife. He actually had the good manners to tell me in a friendly phone call.

So, what’s my problem? I’m always fine with being divorced from him until I run into him and then I feel attracted all over again. We know so many of the same people and they have a lot of parties. How do I handle running into him and finally her?

— Nervous Already, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Nervous: It’s time to see a psychologist, psychiatrist or relationship counsellor about finally getting closure on this old relationship — in your mind and also in your heart. Your ex-husband has clearly moved on, and you need to do so as well.

You really need to get to the point where you can be in the same room with your ex-husband and his mate, and really don’t care. In fact, strong enough you can say hello to both of them and it’s OK — no big emotional reaction.

That can happen with good professional help, and your physician can help you find it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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