Hold back on ‘nanny cam’ plan, seek advice

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This article was published 17/07/2024 (805 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A wife just knows when something’s off. For the past few months, I have felt my husband becoming cool and distant. At first, I thought he was stressed with his job. But lately, I thought I noticed some special looks between my husband and our new nanny.

They’ve been spending a lot of time together when I’m out all day working. He recently started working in his basement office half-days. Sometimes he walks to the park with the kids, the nanny and our dog.

I brought up my feelings with my husband, and he said defensively that I was crazy and paranoid.

I told him I was going to give our nanny her walking papers and he screamed his head off, telling me she loves the kids, is not going anywhere and needs the money to exist.

Why does he care about her like that? She’s not part of our family. Then he dropped this bomb. He said, “She’s caring for our children better than you ever could.”

That’s absurd. I may work a lot, but I’ve always been a good mother. Now I’m certain there’s something going on. I want to hide some cameras around the house to catch them together. What do you think? Is it illegal?

— Needing Evidence, Charleswood

Dear Needing Evidence: Using a spycam on people, as you intend, with cameras or audio equipment does not come without limitations and laws in Canada.

Your stealth move of hiding the cameras would be mostly about spying on your husband because of the dissolution of trust in your marriage. The grey area here is he still has an expectation of privacy in his own home.

You could probably set up a hidden camera to see if there is any cheating going on to satisfy your own suspicions.

It’s time to talk to a lawyer about the laws on videotaping people and recording conversations so you don’t get yourself in trouble over this. While you’re there, you might as well talk about what happens if the marriage breaks down.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: After she begged me for two months, I finally went fishing with my wife. I didn’t like it.

We are both women in our mid-40s and have been married several years. I wish I could tell you we had a good time, but she spent the entire day belittling me for not knowing the terminology, not wanting to touch the fish and not liking being in direct sunlight.

Also — and I find this really creepy — she likes to burn to a crisp then allow it to fade into a tan to save time. That freaks me out. Talk about inviting skin cancer to destroy you.

When I brought this up, she wouldn’t take responsibility and said I was overreacting. How should I handle this?

— Fishwife I’m Not, St. Vital

Dear Fishwife I’m Not: It’s one thing to live with something a partner does that might be dangerous, and it’s another thing to sit beside them in a boat and watch their skin turn to bright red — and then peel it off in sheets. That is definitely dangerous.

As for the fishing issue, let your wife off the hook. It’s time to get a few more friends into your social life. Some activities should not be shared with a partner, and that’s actually a good thing. Most people need a few empty spaces in their married lives that can be shared with an assortment of friends and family.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an artistic guy in my 20s and do all kinds of art, both commercially and for fun. I also like to paint my toenails different colours. My new girlfriend first said she thought it was playful, but when it finally came time to go to her parents’ house for a Sunday dinner, she handed me a bottle of nail-polish remover and told me to use it.

I said no. Then she brought out a pair of her socks from behind her back and said, “Then put these on. I’m not kidding.”

I told her I would do it the first time for the introduction, but that was it. I’m not going to start bowing to her parents now — who knows where that could end up. What do you think?

— Not Bowing, East Kildonan

Dear Not Bowing: You don’t know for sure if the parents would care that much until you experiment. You might as well get it over with.

The good news is some parents are not nearly as conservative as their kids think they are. Find out now if you think this mate might mean something to you in the long run. Your toenails — and possibly more — are at stake.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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