Old-school view of marital roles just won’t fly

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This article was published 04/04/2024 (899 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: As soon as I got married, my husband invited me to only work half-time and enjoy our new home. He is from another culture and immediately started to act like he was the king and it was my job to impress him. I did that and it turns out I’m not enjoying his style of married life.

While his Royal Highness is not great at helping with things around the house, he is especially bad in bed — totally lazy now. He just lies there and expects me to do everything.

When I finally complained, he said, “We’re married now. What’s the big deal? That’s just how it is.” I could tell he wasn’t kidding and it sent a chill down my spine. Please help me.

— Scared For My Future, South St. Vital

Dear Scared: If you’re going to make a U-turn, make it soon before a pregnancy. Once you have children, it’s much more difficult to leave, find full-time work again and support the children.

If your husband acted like a modern man while you were dating, it could be that as a married man, he’s now mimicking his parents’ style. If deep down you still love this man, let him know there’s a big problem arising and ask him to go to relationship counselling to try to resolve it.

If he can learn to be a more modern husband who respects his modern wife maybe you can resurrect this relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work a lot of hours and my girlfriend has been spending more and more time at the gym. My friend who works out at the same gym says she’s been flirting with a guy there. Long story short, things have gotten a bit tense in our relationship and we haven’t had enthusiastic sex in a long time or said any nighttime I love yous.

She’s supposedly spending three to four hours at the gym. She’s definitely working out regularly because her body looks great, but that seems like too many hours to be believable. Should I find some way to spy on her more? Should I ask my friend to keep a closer eye on her?

— Suspicious, Transcona

Dear Suspicious: Spying is not a good look for anybody — not even a frightened and miserable lover. Cut to the chase and ask your girlfriend if she’s losing interest in you and wants to be free. Get a reading on her emotions, for better or worse. She may be looking for a way to get out of your relationship, but like a lot of people she may be hedging her bets and is checking out a possible new lover.

Ask yourself if this relationship with her is bringing you fun, happiness and intellectual stimulation, as well as good sex and a feeling of love and trust. If many of these things are missing — and it sounds like they are — it may be time for both of you to move on. There’s no need to be mean. Sometimes very little has to be said when a relationship is petering out, and it’s true that the less harm caused by a breakup, the sooner both of you will feel better.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It feels like I can’t talk about my body with my mother at all. I’m a grown woman and I don’t need someone — especially a woman with an antiquated point of view — giving me a hard time. She is so messed up she can’t even pick a lane.

Sometimes she’ll tell me I’m beautiful and other times she’ll make comments about me gaining weight or how my clothes are looking tighter. Then I tell her defensively I’m always on a diet and it’s making me crazy.

Why can’t she support me like other mothers support their daughters? She’s no prize herself at 210 pounds. Sometimes, I get the strange feeling my mother is competing with me, but for what? How can I ever win this battle with my mom who is so constantly critical?

— Picked Apart, St. Norbert

Dear Picked Apart: Your mom’s own weight issue is the underpinning of her criticism of you. Mama may have received looks and comments about her own extra poundage from people. Part of her is still upset and angry about that and another part is jealous of you. The third part (the loving mother side of her) doesn’t want people picking on you like they did on her.

Take you mom somewhere nice, away from her own domain, and tell her you want to start having a better relationship. Ask her what it was like when she was growing up and had to deal with her weight issue. If you handle this conversation gently, you could learn a lot about your mother and improve your relationship, repairing old harms and building a warmer friendship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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