Sneaky subterfuge could skirt no-dating dictum

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This article was published 24/05/2023 (1239 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I love my wife, but she has some pretty strong insecurities, and her new thing right now is saying our handsome son cannot date until he’s 18! She doesn’t just say she isn’t OK with it, she says her word goes, and she gets very upset.

She has some pretty raw opinions about men, due to some bad relationships in her past. I get that, but right or wrong, I feel like she’s punishing our son for the behaviour of other men. We fought all weekend after my son got really upset with her stupid no-dating rule. I know he’s been secretly spending time with a girl he likes, and is scared to tell his mother.

I love my wife and I love my son, but in the end, I’m going to side with my son here. I just don’t know how to get through to my wife. We can’t afford counselling.

— Guitar Guy, West End

Dear Guitar Guy: Perhaps your wife can be tricked into liking this girl before she knows she’s her son’s sweetie. Could he possibly claim her as a buddy and bring her over for a “games night” with other friends as cover? The trick is not to have an even number of guys and girls, so mom doesn’t think it’s a couples thing.

Once your wife casually meets this girl and thinks she’s OK, your son should be coached to act negatively and say, “Yeah, she’s OK, but she’s just a friend.” Of course, the girl he likes would have to be in on the ruse, and be prepared to do some acting. It’s worth a try. Fighting it out honestly is not working at this point.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 41, never married and I’m a tall, slim woman — 5-10 and 158 pounds. I’m sadly a bit flat-chested. I live with a guy about the same size, who’s not shy about telling me when he thinks a woman on TV is “hot.” I don’t know where he got the idea I’m OK with that, but he does it all the time. I hate it, and sometimes I actually cry. He says I’m “overreacting,” which I also hate.

How do you get through to a guy that if he thinks a woman is hot, to shut his mouth and keep it to himself? Do I start telling him when I think a guy walking by looks like he has a big, er… manhood?

He’s constantly lamenting, “Why did I fall for someone who looks like another guy?” I can’t stand it anymore! I’d like to leave this relationship, but then I’d be all on my own.

— Never Good Enough, Windsor Park

Dear Never Good Enough: Forget trying to get this guy to change. He knows he’s hurting you every time he does it. In fact, he enjoys putting you down and feeling superior afterwards.

This deluded fellow may think you’re lucky to have him, and are scared to lose him. Nobody can afford to live with someone like this! Start seeing a counsellor to discuss the reasons you’ve been living with his verbal abuse and to help free yourself.

What you need now is to learn how to enjoy your life freely, without criticism, and to get yourself a circle of friends, so loneliness doesn’t take you back to this guy. Look into joining groups for social, recreational or creative activities, or even explore opportunities to volunteer that can facilitate healthy connection, new friendships and boost your confidence and happiness quotient.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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