Kids need some sense of split parents’ situation

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: On our last day at a beach rental cabin the kids and I were packing up later than the rules asked for, when a familiar car pulled in next door. It was my ex-husband with his new woman and her kids.

My children yelled out, “Look Mom, it’s Daddy! He came to the lake to see us!” and ran over to him for hugs. His girlfriend had the cabin keys dangling, nodded at me, and went inside quickly.

I said to my former husband, “Fancy meeting you here! Come on kids, we’re going home now.” My ex said, “Oh, settle down. Give me a few minutes with my kids, will you?”

So, I finished packing and locked the cabin door, and waited for the kids for 30 minutes in our car. Then I started to cry. It just came gushing out and I couldn’t control it. Finally, my ex brought the children back out. He could see I’d been crying and said in disgust, “Get over it, princess. I have!”

Now I’m dealing with anger I was too depressed to allow myself to process before. I’ve had to start using a punching bag at the gym to try to get it out! Why did my ex need to come to that same beach and rental cabins, where we had so many happy times together with the children? I hate that I’m forced to deal with this man until the kids are grown.

When we left to go home, the kids were unhappy because they knew Daddy was up enjoying “their lake” with his girlfriend’s kids, with whom they’d just played, and said they liked.

I don’t know how to explain all this to them, or should I even try? It’s crappy adult stuff, isn’t it?

— Feeling the Pain, Charleswood

Dear Feeling Pain: Yes, you should try to explain the situation, in simple terms. But first, try to understand it yourself. Your ex knew it was a fun beach to take kids, and he knew you’d maybe be there — but just until check-out. It’s unlikely he thought you’d still be there after check-out time, and that you’d cross paths with him and the new girlfriend and her kids.

Former partners are usually not looking to stir up trouble like this, especially if they have a new partner in tow. If they want to bump into you, they can certainly do it in simpler circumstances.

As for the two families of kids playing together — there’s nothing wrong with that, if they get along.

Your children really do need an explanation. Without it, this is the kind of hurtful and confusing experience that can stick with young people. They are innocent and not at all to blame for their parents locking horns. They need to be reminded of that, when these types of situations arise from time to time. It’s awkward, but it’s part of good parenting.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was walking down the beach enjoying the sunset recently, when I saw this tall girl coming towards me who looked kind of familiar. On closer inspection it was an old girlfriend from high school.

We stopped to say hello, and asked if I’d stroll with her, so we walked and talked all the way back to the main beach. Then this big guy came towards us, looked me up and down and asked, “Who’s this?”

Instead of telling the truth, my old ex passed me off as “a cousin.” What? I felt insulted and probably looked shocked. I deserved some recognition for the time I spent with her. Now I remember why I broke up with her — her “fibs” or outright lies!

— Annoyed All Over Again, Fort Garry

Dear Annoyed: What should this long-ago ex have said? “My boyfriend from high school” might have made things awkward, but at least it would have been the truth. “A special friend from way back” might have been closer to the mark. But calling you her “cousin” was an outright lie, and an insult to your former romantic importance in her life.

Be glad you grew past her and that relationship, as she doesn’t have what it takes to handle life’s awkward moments, without lying and making more of them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography