Constant in-law interaction at cabin too much

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I have been married for a couple of years. He’s a widower and has a cabin next door to his former in-laws. For many years, he and his then-wife spent their weekends sharing meals and socializing all day (usually at my husband’s cabin) with his in-laws.

Now that I’m in the picture, I find the constant dining together and hanging out at our cabin is way too much.

I don’t mind getting together for a dinner, but I yearn for some alone time with my spouse without having to worry about constant meal-prep, snacks and so on, to feed my in-laws. My husband says it’s been this way for 20 years and I’m not going to change it now.

I hate missing out on weekends with my husband at the cottage, but I feel it’s the only way to keep my sanity. Please help.

— Overwhelmed Wife, southeastern Manitoba

Dear Overwhelmed: Rather than going to the lake to entertain your man’s relatives by yourselves every weekend, expand the crowd by inviting your parents to your cabin. Introduce them to your husband’s parents by playing cards and games and prepping food with your own mom to lighten the workload.

At other times, invite your lake-loving friends to hang out with you and your husband at the cabin.

Your man is just trying to recapture some of the warm feelings of his former lake experience, so he’s not haunted there by the ghost of his former wife. It takes a few years to get past the worst of it, and then it will be clearer sailing.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a newly separated woman with a couple of men from my recreational sports teams interested in me. The thing is, I don’t want sex with them right away.

It’s not like I have the memory of great sex with my ex-husband to compete with. I just don’t want to hurry in that department as I have our kids living with me, and they are precious. They wouldn’t want anyone other than daddy sleeping over, but I don’t want their father here anymore. Besides, he already has a woman they don’t know about.

In fact, I myself am also secretly seeing a woman. (I am bisexual.) I see her when the kids sleep over at their dad’s place.

The problem is, she and I are getting more serious now, and she wants to be honest and “out there” with my kids and everybody, and stop all the sneaking around. I don’t want that yet, but she is pushing me.

At what point do I let the children meet her? She is charming and really knows how to win kids over.

— Messed Up, River Heights

Dear Messed Up: Slow that woman down. Your girlfriend is excited to meet your kids, but they are still messed up over their parents’ separation.

Kids don’t understand adults’ emotional messes. Some parents put up a false happy front and their children have never witnessed fighting or freeze-out behaviour between mom and dad, so when emotional issues do arise, they can be confused.

Another reason to take a new relationship slowly is if you and this girlfriend don’t last, and the children have become attached to her, they could be doubly mixed up.

So stop this woman from pushing her agenda. It’s too soon, but that doesn’t mean things won’t evolve in the future. Let her know that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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