Time for ex-hubby to drop grudge, grow up

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A few years back my brother and my ex-husband had a disagreement concerning my son. It started when my brother and son were roughhousing and my son slipped and fell and went crying to his dad.

My ex blew up at my brother and now they don’t talk. My brother did apologize for his actions to my ex, but my ex basically would not accept it and to this day holds a grudge.

It makes things awkward, because we have to hold separate family events so the two don’t cross paths for kids’ birthdays or the holidays.

My brother feels he’s done his part because he apologized. How do I get my ex to let it go? They are grown men, not boys.

— Upset, Winnipeg

Dear Upset: Stop tiptoeing around these two grown men — particularly your ex-husband. Your brother apologized for the incident, and that should have been quite enough.

Now, you really have to stop playing into this nonsense. Tell your ex you’re going to stop inviting him to these family get-togethers if he can’t act like an adult and be civil with your brother. He really needs to grow up and do this for his own son’s sake.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met the love of my life 14 years too late — when both of us were already married with kids.

We were hired to work together on a new branch of a company and we clicked in every way. I am a spiritual guy, and it broke my heart to fall head over heels for this amazing woman, but I had to accept we were never going to be able to be together in this lifetime. (Though I secretly hoped maybe in another lifetime!)

Things have since come to a head in a way I never expected. I got back from my late-summer holidays to find out my special woman had left her husband. He had become violent with her, and it still showed in marks on her face. It couldn’t be worse! Now she looks at me silently saying “rescue me,” and I just don’t know what to do or say.

I know what she hopes — that I will break up with my wife and come to her. I’d grown used to the idea she’d never be mine — but now she actually could. She’s strongly suggesting that’s what she wants.

Me? I don’t know what I want. I still have kids in high school and I love my boring but blameless wife. There isn’t great passion between us, but how could I leave her now?

— Wide Awake Every Night, Fort Richmond

Dear Wide Awake: What you want is both your marriage and this special other woman. But this fantasy simply isn’t going to happen in real life.

What the woman you’re smitten with needs now is to find a single man who loves her and her kids and is resilient enough to help keep her safe from any continued harassment from her ex. You are not this guy.

If you blow up your own marriage for this woman, you’ll be saddled with plenty of your own issues to deal with regarding a divorce and impact on your family. The fantasy version of this romance really suited you best.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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