Don’t prolong charade with unsuited ‘match’

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve spent the summer pushed together with a guy my parents want me to desire. He’s the son of one of their friends. We’ve had to make it appear we have bonded to get our parents off our backs.

When should we tell them these dates are no more than two friends getting together to please their pushy parents? And should we ever have to tell them that one of us is gay?

I feel like a prisoner and bit like I’m owned by my parents. I am dependent on them for a lot in my life, so I feel like I have to suck up to them on this kind of issue. Please help.

— Feeling Like a Prisoner, Winnipeg

Dear Prisoner: You don’t need to use a secret that has not yet been revealed — such as a person’s sexuality — to get free of this relationship the parents are pushing. However, the sooner you can stop pretending and pointlessly getting your folks’ hopes up, the better.

You both need to tell the parent who is closest and most sympathetic to your feelings that there is no real romantic interest between the two of you. You both don’t want it, and you need to insist on not being pushed together anymore to try to start a relationship that isn’t ever going to happen.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I slapped my husband hard across the face when I discovered he had cheated on me and somehow gave him a black eye. He responded by refusing to go to couples’ counselling to try to save our marriage, because of my “violent behaviour.”

Then there’s the new fact that he’s in love. Isn’t that sweet.

We have children together who need two loving parents in the home, not one living elsewhere and just doling out support money.

As it turns out, the other woman has kids of her own. My husband can’t afford to support us all. Am I supposed to go back to work when my kids need a mother in the home now more than ever? I’m fit to be tied.

There’s just no talking sense into a man who has, as he tells me, “finally found real love.” That makes me ill. My mind keeps saying “What now?”

It hurts so much and he doesn’t want any counselling to try to patch our marriage up.

— Rejected, Norwood

Dear Rejected: If your about-to-be ex husband won’t go for counselling, go by yourself. Aim for working out at least a cordial friendship with him that will allow you to accept the situation ahead and make the best of it you can. Also, hire a good divorce lawyer, ASAP.

If you have arguing to do together, consider hiring a babysitter so you can leave the house, as too many kids can recite verbatim the terrible things they have overheard between their warring parents when they were supposedly asleep.

Your kids need you to be in decent emotional shape, and you need to help them. They have no doubt overheard some very painful things already. Assure them their parents still love them just as much, and that a parent’s love doesn’t end with a divorce.

You’ll probably need to start working again, even just half-time, to bring enough money in for the family and restore a feeling of balance and independence in your own life. Also look into counselling for yourself to try to reduce the pain and bitterness you’re feeling. There are inexpensive routes to take and your physician may be able to help you.

Also, be sure to search online for local women’s resource centres that may offer all kinds of help in coping with different aspects of your upcoming new life, and for making new friends.

Then, think about what kind of supports you might have that you don’t realize, such a few special adult family members or old girlfriends you may have not seen much of once you got married.

If your kids are back in school in a few weeks, talk to their teachers and counsellors about what the children will be going through, so they understand and can offer the help they may need, within the school system. If teachers don’t know what a child is going through at home, they are ill-equipped to help them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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