Sudden twinge of attraction can’t erase history

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was walking through a popular store when I stopped suddenly and just stared at this man walking by with a teenage daughter. It was a scene out of my old life dream — that particular man along with a kid we would enjoy raising together.

He felt me staring and stopped short. I felt a rush of warm feelings for him, but then the kid said, “C’mon, dad, we gotta hurry, mom is waiting outside in the car.” My ex looked at me helplessly and then said to his daughter that he would catch up with her in a minute. She shrugged and off she went.

Then we looked at each other and made some awkward conversation. He soon walked off to join his family and left me there with my heart pounding.

I can’t stop thinking about him now. Today I stupidly broke down and phoned him at his work since everybody knows where this former Winnipeg athlete is employed. He was very awkward with me on the phone and I feel like a fool, so now what should I do?

— Still Obsessing, St. James

Dear Still Obsessing: Some people who run into old loves they wish they would have been able to keep just can’t help themselves. They may even phone the person and try to wrangle a meetup. It’s down to a barely concealed compulsive feeling of love or lust — and not nearly as romantic as movies make it out to be.

Your best bet would be to back up and try to remember why your relationship with this man fell apart and the reasons why it just wasn’t meant to be.

Even if there’s still a mutual attraction, that doesn’t erase the fact you two had differences so weighty they broke you up.

The trick to getting past this is not to give in to urges to phone or message the old love for another “harmless” chat. There’s nothing harmless about it.

Picture the sad face of your ex’s young daughter if you managed to break up her parents’ marriage. Do you really want to play that role in her life?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m single, happily divorced and older. I got lucky this month. I met an amazing couple at the lake where I sail and entertain all summer — though not as much this year with all the wildfire smoke.

They are in their 30s and we had some real laughs together, so they invited me out on their boat. Then they invited me over for dinner. I didn’t know if I was going to end up being their dessert or what.

But I also wondered if another couple would be coming and I would end up feeling like the odd man out — the awkward single guy with no partner. But, no — they invited two fun, single, straight women who are friends of the couple. My problem (if you can call it that) is that I’m hot for them both.

Should I invite the one I like best out for dinner, or just keep my big mouth shut and see what happens with the two of them, if anything?

— Embarrassment of Riches? Winnipeg

Dear Riches: From the start, make sure to be the prize, not the problem. If you’re friendly and warm to both women, you can let them work out who’s going to call you for a date.

Most older adults have been through enough and are just looking for natural matches, so they’re not in a big hurry. And consider this: the reason these women may be single is that a first major relationship didn’t work out or a partner died. They’re likely not willing to jump into any relationship that doesn’t look like a winner.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a single woman who is completely changing careers in her 30s — no matter whose boats it rocks. I’m really a sportswoman at heart and have had enough of my boring career working with numbers.

I’m going back to university in a month and starting on a new career path.

When I was going through counselling for this career change, I found my single counsellor was a real turn-on. Is this some kind of interference from the universe? Tell me straight — would I be a fool to jump in head first this fall and get involved with a new person romantically?

— Excited, But Worried, Fort Richmond

Dear Excited: You owe it to yourself to try to get happily involved with a new guy, but also to bail out if it doesn’t pan out. However, don’t hit on your counsellor as many people mistakenly do when someone finally understands them deeply.

You’re on a multi-faceted life adventure and you need to enjoy all the educational experiences that come your way. Be happy if a mutual romance starts up in your new world.

Enjoy the positive energy that comes with a brand-new relationship, as it will also positively infuse your new sporting projects.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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