Best not to force your past into the present

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This article was published 19/11/2024 (636 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Of all the people I never expected to see, there was my ex-husband standing in front of me in line, waiting to pay for his car wash. The attendant told him he’d have to wait for a while. He turned and saw me and said, “Yes, I guess I can wait, if this woman is waiting too.” It turned out to be awkward for the first couple of minutes, and then we laughed at the absurd situation.

Finally, we went outside and really talked. It was fascinating, as it was almost 10 years after our wedding, to the month. We only lasted a year married because of his hidden drug addiction.

We caught up on each other’s relatives and careers. He also told me how he kicked his drug habit, and how his second marriage is going very well. We both have kids now, and we pulled up our photos to proudly show each other. It felt like “old friends.”

So, what’s my problem? I told my current husband about my conversation with my ex and said I’d like us all (both couples) to get together sometime. He said, “Not in this lifetime!”

I am definitely not attracted to my ex-husband, so why can’t my husband get with the new program? We’ve both moved on. What’s the danger? There’s nothing I can think of.

— Just Friends, Windsor Park

Dear Just Friends: You have to wake up to the fact your new husband does not want to meet with the new-and-improved version of your ex-husband. How does he know for certain you won’t fall back in love with the guy you first gave your heart to?

You share an intimate history with him — a first marriage, some very happy times and maybe great sex and affection — and then there were the bad old days.

Now, after half an hour of catching up with your ex, some trust has obviously returned on your part. You’re feeling the underlying friendship resurfacing from the intimate years, long ago. Your poor husband has just seen your new enthusiasm and might be thinking you’re curious, at least, and about the nightmare this could be for him.

Don’t wreck what you have now by being greedy and wanting past and present husbands in your life. You can’t have it all, and you could lose everything if you try to get it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I are a gay couple who are devoted to each other and to our family of three “children” — two old cats and a rude-but-lovable parrot.

Now, a little shaggy-haired puppy has just fallen into my lap from close friends who say they can’t keep him due to “allergies.” The real reason, I’d bet, is a breakup looming on the horizon. All they do is bicker and fight these days.

I’ve already fallen in love with the puppy, but my partner says the only way he’ll agree to keep the dog is if I swear to do all the puppy care and training myself.

I just can’t promise to do all that alone. I work half-time online from home on our acreage, and I’d need a bit of his help and co-operation when I have to be in the office for a full day.

— Wanting Puppy to Stay, La Salle

Dear Wanting Puppy: Agree to take the puppy on his walks before and after your work, and to feed your lovable squawky bird. That just leaves feline food and litter-box duty to your hubby.

If your partner won’t go for a fair deal like that, there may be other issues between you to talk out.

People who don’t feel they win enough arguments in their personal relationships will often try to exert control in areas they know will really hurt. It’s time to talk about what’s really going on in this power struggle with your mate.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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