Seek a mate more in tune with your life priorities

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This article was published 02/11/2024 (696 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a young woman in a profession I absolutely love. I just don’t want to bear children. Is that such a crime? I’m willing to adopt — even two children — and hire serious home help, but that’s it.

I finally confessed this to my serious boyfriend, and he said, with tears in his eyes, “You just wasted three years of my life! I want children with the woman I love, the natural way.” I said, “Then you must not love me very much.”

His reply? “Not so much that I’d want our children to have to look like somebody else, when you’re perfectly able to carry a child.”

Now what? I fear I’m losing the person I love most in the world. I can’t figure out a compromise.

— Dedicated to My Profession, Winnipeg

Dear Dedicated: At this point you don’t really sound interested in having kids, neither with your boyfriend naturally nor adopting them. Sadly, you need to set this man free to find someone who really wants to have his children.

It wouldn’t be fair to your present man to continue. He doesn’t like the proposition of adopting kids, with a plan for a nanny mainly looking after them from the get-go. You need to find a career man who wants to share his love with you alone. Some men would love to have a woman who wants to focus on her career, and for whom children are not a priority.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The leaves have fallen, and the darkness is coming earlier! So here comes my annual Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and the depression. During the day I’m working in my brightly-lit office building, so it’s not a big problem then.

For the darker times at home, I always compile a big stack of at least two dozen books I’m excited to read, and then settle in to ride out the winter.

But so much for that solution this year! I now have a wife, and yesterday, she came home from work at suppertime and found me in the living room — as the light was fading fast. I was huddled in my favourite armchair with a reading lamp and a plate of salty snacks, deeply absorbed in one of my great new books.

She looked at me and said, “I know what this is about, but we’re married now. I’m not just going to stand by while you hang out in the dark, trying to read away your depression.”

I said, “Good luck, sweetheart. You married me, knowing I have SAD.” She just smiled her determined smile and roared off in her vehicle.

She returned home a couple hours later, with bright lighting for the living room. She plugged in all the lamps at once, with a look of triumph. It was blinding and enough to give me an immediate headache. I felt like I was standing in a police lineup.

I grabbed my books and hustled into to my study, and I felt furious! She knows I have SAD and I handle it by “giving in” to it, and enjoying all my books beside my favourite lamp at home. She’s never been through a winter with me, because we fell in love last spring.

I want our marriage to work, but how can I handle her, so she’s not handling me, God forbid?

— Stubborn Man, Tough Lady, Tuxedo

Dear Stubborn: Congratulations! Your winter book binge is enjoyable for you. Some people learn to love the tricks they come up with to handle their afflictions — as you have. But if you want to stay happily married, this is a brave new world. You simply can’t turn into a total hermit reader for the five dark months coming up.

You just need to adapt, one more time. So, instead of rejecting the lighting your new wife bought, reposition it when she’s out of the house, to make it work for you. You could even purchase bulbs that dim without a dimmer, and can be set to three different levels of brightness.

You should also consider spending two half-hours per day using a special SAD light that can make a significant difference to your mood.

SAD lights are small and don’t take up much space on a desk or table. They’re available in lighting departments, medical specialty stores and some pharmacies. Buy a good-quality product, as it could be a relationship-saver for you.

Also, turn your face up to the sun when you. Walk outside at noon with your face exposed, as it can give you a natural mood lift, as can activities like outdoor ice-skating and cross-country skiing.

A romantic activity for you and your new wife? Go for a soak at an outdoor spa in the daytime. The fun that comes with these activities will lift your mood, and could turn you into a happy “all-season” husband.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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