Polyamorous pair cool off post-cottage season

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This article was published 04/11/2024 (697 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I had an intimate relationship develop at the cottage with another couple this summer. Now that we’re all back from the lake, they don’t seem to want anything to do with us.

In September we invited them over to our house for a dinner and wine-tasting in front of our fireplace. They thanked us for “the offer of a lovely evening,” but declined with no reason — the conversation was over.

So, in mid-October we tried another invite involving a fun night with Halloween costumes, and they turned that down flat as well. No reason and no followup conversation.

My husband and I are feeling hurt and puzzled. Are we just their naughty little secret at the lake and they don’t want anything to do with us in town? Or are they finished with us for good?

— Needing to Know, Winnipeg

Dear Needing to Know: You may be correct about this couple leaving their swinging activities at the lake.

Or it could be this pair have a city couple they’re romantic with and have switched back to them after the lake season. Another possibility is they don’t indulge their group-sex activities in the city where they know too many people.

At any rate, they’ve turned you two down flat, twice — that’s hurtful enough. As for demanding further explanation, don’t do it. There’s no point in bringing more hurt and embarrassment on yourselves. It may just have been convenient adult playtime for them while on holiday near you and they don’t have deep feelings about it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I used to drink beer and take my dad’s truck to our high school dances in town. I would get a little drunk and be more outgoing. I was considered a funny guy and would soon have the girls laughing. I loved to dance when I was a bit tipsy, as well. The girls would giggle and ask where I had been hiding all that talent.

I loved a certain red-headed girl all through high school, but always lost my courage to ask to drive her home. I would leave before the last dance started.

Now I’m older and working in the city. Imagine my surprise when I ran into that same woman recently at the mall. She insisted we go for a burger.

She looked pretty, but a bit bigger. When she took her coat off, it was obvious she was pregnant. But she let me know she’s single and plans to raise the child solo.

She told me she always wanted a child, but her boyfriend didn’t. She got pregnant, but the father decided to take a job in B.C., and he moved.

I felt so sorry for the poor woman that I lost all my nervousness. We talked about a lot of things, past and present. At the end she kissed me goodbye on the cheek and wrote down her phone number.

Now what? Sure, I’d like to see her again, as she was refreshingly natural and honest. She made me laugh so hard. I hadn’t had such a good time in ages, but would I just become her substitute man/dad?

I really want to see her more. Where do I go from here? I do smell danger. What if I got attached to the child that’s coming and this woman and the kid’s father got back together?

What if he changes his mind and comes back? What should I do?

— Very Nervous, St. James

Dear Nervous: There’s a big point in your favour: This guy she was dating knew she was pregnant with his child and took off to the furthest point west in Canada he could go. He didn’t say, “Wait for me, my love. I’ll send for you and our child, and provide you money as soon as I get my first paycheque.”

It’s time to stand up for what you want, and fight for it. Tell this young woman you’ve always adored her and you would like to have a relationship with her now, and see if it builds. Yes, there’s a small chance the impregnator may come running back from B.C., but it’s unlikely.

That leaves you a lot of space to build a real relationship with the woman you have always fancied. This is your chance to get in there and fight for a relationship that far surpasses anything she ever had with the guy who ran off.

If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried your best. Show her you’re no longer just the boy with the dance moves from the farm.

The worst case is you could fall in love with the woman and the baby, and go through a lot with them, and have her say, “Thank you for being a friend, but I’m going to marry the baby’s daddy now. We have been in contact again.”

Then you say “OK, I tried. I know what I want in a relationship now and you’re not the only woman of your type. I will look for someone similar, who does love me.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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