‘Sex-only’ buddy for randy hubby proves tricky

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This article was published 06/08/2024 (815 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has an overactive sex drive which was fine when we were putting together our family — we wanted six or more kids. His family owns a business together and money is not really a problem, so we went for it, big-time.

But now our family is complete — we’re right at six — and I can’t handle any more pregnancies. Still, my husband has this oversized sex drive. It just scares me that I might get pregnant again when we already have all these kids, with two of them under the age of four.

This spring I reached the point of fatigue where I’d had enough sex, except for weekly maintenance sex, knowing that wouldn’t be enough for my husband.

In the end, we agreed on a compromise — he could have a “sex buddy” as long as I never had to hear about her, see her or know anything about her.

Well, that panned out rather quickly as it seems he had a female friend at work whose husband recently died and was lonely for sex only, or so she said.

But now, four months later, it isn’t good. She wants more than a sex buddy — she wants my husband.

I know because he loves me and tells me everything, even if it hurts. What do you think?

— Possible Disaster Coming, Westwood

Dear Possible Disaster: The danger signal has gone off, so don’t ignore it. This “sex-only” woman has developed emotional feelings for your husband. That’s not surprising as many “sex buddies” feel natural jealousy and may also feel hurt after a time for not being able to have fuller relationship. Then it can become a nasty competition.

But as you say, the marriage and kids come first — and if anything threatens the happiness of that unit, the sex-buddy relationship has to go.

What can happen on your end to help facilitate that? Make use of your privileged financial situation to hire household and child-care help, so you won’t feel as tired and things can be just you two alone, more often, with your husband. The biggest practical factor to consider is better birth control — perhaps a vasectomy?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A group we know sent a rumour around that my girlfriend and I are getting married — but we are not. They started the rumour because our religious community thinks it’s time we got properly hitched. This engagement rumour trick has been pulled before on “too-liberal” couples.

The truth is my girlfriend does not want to ever get married because her wealthy father ruled the roost as the man of the house.

Her mother had to watch what she said and wear his ostentatious diamond rings that told the world she belonged to a powerful husband.

My girlfriend vowed never to get married. Who can blame her? I’m a modern guy and OK with my girlfriend doing whatever she pleases when it comes to marriage.

But what can we do about the people trying to manipulate us?

— Loving & Concerned Partner, Winnipeg

Dear Loving & Concerned: It’s better if you can express the real situation as you see it to a few key people who like to be in the know and also can be counted on to spread gossip.

It will make juicy news for a little while that you intend to remain unofficially married, no matter which people disapprove, but then that news item will settle down.

If people continue to question you, just say, “We’re very happy, thanks,” and change the topic abruptly so they don’t come back for another bite.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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