Help girlfriend become a mini-celebrity in her own way

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This article was published 23/03/2024 (877 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: How do you get rid of an outdated reputation? My family still treats me like I’m stupid and irresponsible, because I used to party a lot when I was younger. I admit that in my late teens and 20s I spent a lot of time in bars getting drunk and stoned, and staying up until sunrise. I’d drag myself home from girlfriends’ places, hungover and tired. I used to live “care-free, and for free,” as my sarcastic father put it.

But now I’ve really worked on myself. I’m sober and working full-time, living independently. Frankly, I’m tired of getting more of the same insulting attitude I used to receive from my family! I don’t deserve it anymore, and I’m pushing 30 already! How can I make my family see I’m worthy of their love and respect?

— Former Party Animal, St. Vital

Dear Former Party Animal: You can’t demand the family’s respect, but you can earn it back. To change your reputation, go after changing important relationships with all your family members, individually. Why go to that much trouble? You can’t rely on one person who sees the new you to convince the others you have finally grown up.

You have to do it one person at a time. So, pick the one with the most influence first — your mom! Take your mother out for dinner or a fancy brunch, on Mother’s Day or before. Ask her to come alone, because you want to talk to her.

If she asks you suspiciously “What’s up?” thinking you might be in some kind of trouble again, assure her you just want to thank her for everything she’s done for you. Forgive her if she rolls her eyes!

When you get to the restaurant, surprise her by asking her lots of questions about her growing up — family, friends, parents, her schooling and jobs. Make it all about her! Kids get used to everything being all about them over the years, so show her you are finally a caring and interested adult.

A few weeks later, ask Dad out to an event like a sports game, concert or exhibition — perhaps for Father’s Day — and then quiz him on the days when he was young, and what he was “really like” then — his interests and goals.

Follow that a few weeks later in June by taking your siblings out to events that’d interest them. Tell them the entertainment costs are “all on you” because you’re working, and you want to spend money on people who matter to you. When you’re out together, ask questions about each brother or sister’s life. Be interested, but not critical. Be prepared for some eye-rolling about “the new you.” Your response? A big smile, then say, “Get used to it. I’m a grownup for good.”

You can win your siblings over one by one, by becoming their new supporter. Find out what everybody’s interested in, give them any tips you have and generously back them. If you find it’s hard to wrap your brain around this new grownup role, “fake it till you make it.” Imagine yourself as a teacher or coach, who’s naturally interested in other people’s lives. Good luck!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went by myself to a movie with comfy recliner seats. Just before the film, this guy was leaning across the arm rest, trying flirt with me — with only one seat between us. After the movie was over, he was trying to hustle me again. I ran to get to the ladies’ washroom!

He might have been a nice guy, but how did I know he wasn’t a scary creep? He was invading my personal space. Still, I was kind of rude. What else could I have done?

— Just Ran Away! River Heights

Dear Ran Away: When someone tries to “befriend you” at a movie, a few well-chosen words are better than awkward silence — which can be misinterpreted as one’s shyness. A smart move? “Oh, excuse me, but I need a little work time before the movie starts,” as you’re pulling out your phone.

Both sexes use that trick on airplanes quite successfully when they don’t want to be disturbed, as it isn’t too insulting, so borrow it.

But if a person in the theatre doesn’t take the hint, don’t hesitate to report his behaviour to theatre security.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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